#(and there's still so much weirdness and uncertainty and scariness going on with my physical health)

[kinnbig]

🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️

[loveenji]

Hi, it’s 5 am and I can’t sleep because I drank coffee earlier. A lot of thoughts are rushing through my mind. Thinking about how this has been technically my first official relationship. I trust my partner. I was just thinking about how scary that is. I guess, I can say that it freaks me out when there’s something I can’t control. And I acknowledge that this is something beyond my control— his actions towards the trust I put in him, the things he do, etc. Thing is, I accept that. I remembered in some random landi experience, someone made me feel like I’m crazy. Maybe, I’m actually crazy. But tracing back, I think it’s me reacting about something I can’t control and it’s more of fear. Now, my partner is very much wonderful and never makes me feel bad about my feelings. However, I still feel afraid of trusting. I think the fear will always be there but I trust him anyways. At the back of my mind, I’m scared of the uncertainty but he’s made me feel safe not just physically, but emotionally. Little by little, I’m learning to let go of things that’s out of my control. I actually am quite surprise with myself. I’d often overthink a lot about different scenarios that would cause me anxiety and I wouldn’t calm down until I get to hear what I wanna hear. However, I’m slowly unlearning that. I think this comes from a greater fear of being trapped in a relationship where I am not loved and wanted. I would rather much be alone than someone staying with me cause it benefits them, or that they pity me, or just cause we’ve been together for a long time. I don’t wanna be scared of being alone nor starting again. Being with someone but miserable is way scarier. That has been the force that drove me to try and let things go and focus on things I can do. I still have so much work to do to heal from this. Changing my mindset is one step and I’m proud of myself for it. Although, I also know that healing isn’t linear. I may not be like this on some days but I know I’m trying. And my partner has been good on assuring me and giving me security in our relationship. I love my boyfriend so much and I’m thankful for the peace he’s given me. It’s just weird how at some point, I never thought this would be possible. I thought it’s normal that you’ll always overthink and get scared of things especially as a person with anxious attachment style. It was never easy and it might even come to a point when you’d be suffocating for your partner. Luckily for me, he has handled me so well on times I’ve been vulnerable about my feelings. Never invalidated me, but at the same time he doesn’t tolerate me when I’m wrong.

Forgot to add— that this goes both ways. That if I’m feeling anxious about some things, he prolly does too.

[free--therapy]

Anon here!

Just dropping in again to say thank you hehe 🫶

This page has been such a big source of positivity and support for me throughout my low periods and you've been so so kind to me. I might say this many times but I'm just genuinely very grateful honestly.

There are many times when I feel I'm bothering you or relying on you too much when I ask any of my doubts especially when I ask things about weird topics or share some of my more "ridiculous" worries with you. But you never show any judgement and even when I'm judging myself, wondering things like "Am I a disgusting person for doing xyz, reading xyz and stuff?", even then you help me realise that it's okay and that I still deserve to be loved and be happy despite anything.

Also, when you told me that I've grown in the past year and getting closer to healing, I genuinely cried because I'd been so confused recently as to if I should be chasing recovery or should I let it come to me without rushing by focusing on living my life day to day. In the end, I chose the later because it's the one that made sense to me. Thank you for always validating me 🫶

Honestly, exactly when I start feeling like "I'm over all my worries" that's exactly when new worries or new thoughts about old worries come up again. Sometimes it feels very overwhelming. Since one of my biggest fear is any type of chronic/long term problem that would stop me from living life, so my thoughts tend to be like that.

As in, on the complex spectrum. Like...most times they feel meta and hard to make sense of or to rationalise. And what makes it worse is I keep feeling like "I need to solve the thoughts" or that I need to "Get some conclusion" for any worry thought for me to get over it. So when I get thoughts that I can't exactly find a conclusion to, I get worried.

You know, while I do get anxious about certain thoughts but most of the times, I'm just busy in the head going back and forth trying to find a "conclusion" or a solution so that I can leave that thought and move on. So I end up trying to rationalise but that many times mixes in with rumination. And it's worse when there's no certainty because not having certainty about thoughts makes me feel like the topic won't ever "close" or something. So I feel I need to let go of this habit because it makes me stay in my head sometimes.

I was doing very good since August began but yesterday, I did have a new worry thought come up about worries itself lol and since I haven't been able to find any "certain" conclusion, it's been bothering me. I'm trying to find my way around how to respond to it. Hopefully I'll be able to let this go soon.

Maybe I'll have other thoughts popping up in my mind too that might make me worry or overthink but no matter what happens, I hope I can learn to let go and move on with my life.

You once asked me, when I was talking about the intrusive thoughts thing, that why was it that I kept worrying that those thoughts would stay and why certain thoughts affected me like that. I realised this.

It's like I just love life in a sense? That sounds kinda cheesy lol sorry. It's just I love to live and enjoy small things and hang around people I love and do things I like. The things I like doing, I love to do them and I just like to enjoy small and big things. All types of things like listening to music, eating my favourite foods, watching anime, reading manga, playing the piano, sky watching with my siblings, travelling...so many things I love to do.

So the idea that someday something might happen to me that would make me not enjoy these things as much is very scary to me. That's why I'm scared of thoughts that seem like they'd never end. So thoughts/worries like forming associations about intrusive thoughts, wondering if something is physically wrong in my brain (about anxiety) that I can't actively work on, or any other thought that presents an uncertainty which I cannot draw "sure" conclusions to makes me feel like they'd make my life miserable if they don't go away or something. I just don't want long term overthinking over irrational thoughts and I also have a worry that what if I get seriously depressed due to certain thoughts? What if I stop enjoying life the way I like it or stop enjoying life how I want to.

I really don't want that so I guess that's where most of my thoughts come from especially the thing with thoughts that seem like they'd never go away. Also, I don't want to feel like there's something wrong with me. Maybe that's why I don't like the idea of labels too. Any kind of labels (negative ones) make me feel like they'd become my identity or something and I don't want that I guess. I'm just stubborn about weird stuff haha

My sister says that maybe it's because I'm a Taurus that I'm like this lol. She says so many parts of me like how I always help her solve emotional conflicts but never share my worries with her or how I act like I'm always right (even though I know I'm not) and being stubborn is because I'm a Taurus lol we joke about it quite a bit.

Anyway, sorry for all the rambling! I apologise for always sending in pointless asks or adding unnecessary info 😭 And once again, thank you so so much for being so kind and supporting me 💖 I'm always grateful 💖

Hey Anon,

Thank you for the kind words. It's heartwarming to know I could have such an impact on someone, so I appreciate that and I appreciate you!

Please don't ever think that you're bothering me or that any of your worries are ridiculous. I know well enough how to establish boundaries if I feel like I'm getting too overwhelmed, plus I know how to communicate as well, so I won't hesitate to let you know if I need a break :) Also, no thoughts or worries are ridiculous because they matter to you. I've had the same sorts of feelings about the things I used to worry about because growing up my parents would either dismiss my fears or straight up laugh at me because of them, which made me feel like I was crazy, but also that I couldn't go to them with these sorts of things. It created a lot of internalization and I wouldn't wish that on anyone! You deserve to be heard, so don't feel ashamed for having the worries that you do because for all you know, there might be other people out there with the same ones and they're just as afraid to share them too.

You're still young anon and because you are, I know it can feel like how you're feeling right now is going to be how you'll be forever. I'll tell you from one recovering overthinker to another: it won't be forever! Each day you're battling with your mind and trying all the things you've learned to help combat it will bring you closer to overcoming how you're feeling. Eventually you will feel more confident when it comes to handling any of your thoughts, whether they're something that you feel like you've already gotten over already or something new. You've got thissss!!

There will definitely be times where you feel stuck in your loops going back and forth with certain thoughts and you can't break free of them. This doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be stuck there forever or that the thoughts cannot be solved. At these points you may just need some different perspectives and that's usually when you have to get to a point where you're comfortable enough to share them with other people who can give you those perspectives. We only know what we know, but we need other people to help us think of certain situations differently, especially if these people have been through similar things or doubts/worries as you.

I understand what you mean. Life can definitely be enjoyable and the last thing any of us need is something coming along to take that enjoyment away from us. This is the challenge in life though! We all get bombarded with so many things the older we get and we end up making less and less time for ourselves and the things/people we love. This is why it's important to find a balance and make sure to be intentional about how often you stick to doing the things you enjoy, otherwise life becomes burdensome, frustrating, anxiety-inducing, and so on.

[mostlycompetentwriter]

Domesticated Drabble

Pairing: Bang Chan x Y/N

Genre: Marriage AU; Sequel; Drabble

Warnings: So. Much. Fluff. (small smut scene at the beginning); language

Request: 

A/N: Finally finished this one! Please enjoy another taste of my favorite AU!

5 Years Later

“We’ve got five minutes,” I whispered against the pulse point on Chan’s neck, the throbbing vein pumping hard as he panted for breath from above me, eyes shut tight together as he moaned.

“I’ll blow at any second,” Chan cursed, laying sloppy kisses wherever he could reach while fucking me hard and fast.

“Your cock feels amazing,” I practically purred, digging sharp nails into the milky white skin of his back, legs closing in around his waist to keep him close. 

“Oh, sweetie, you’re laying it on thick this morning, aren’t you?”

I clenched a vice-grip around the length pumping inside me in response, sending Chan’s hips stuttering against my own. “I’ve got kids in the next room who can wake-up at any second. Excuse me for trying to inflate your ego.”

“That’s not the only thing inflating,” Chan gasped, curling his fingers through mine.

“You’re gross,” I huffed, closing my eyes and throwing back my neck as best as I could in this position: laid out under my husband, orgasm approaching at a meteoric-level speed, and sweat coating my skin in a delightful sheen as the muscles around my abdomen worked overtime to milk Chan for everything that he had before the moment was ruined by my kids. 

I half-expected them to burst into the room unannounced at any second, oblivious to their parents fucking in much of the same way that created them in the first place. Locked together with limbs intertwining, sucking in each other’s air, and kisses rough and demanding. 

Fuck it had been far too long since Chan and I had last done anything even remotely this intimate, and it was still necessary for us to go at it as fast as possible to prevent unwanted eyes from accidentally catching us at the height of our passion. 

I couldn’t help but glance at the clock, realizing that we had been fucking for almost ten minutes, and the alarm had been set for 7:00 AM so that I could somehow wrestle my kids together for their first day of school. 

Damn, this is gonna turn out to be a very long day.

“Are you close?” I asked Chan, connecting our lips for a sweet kiss since I personally knew that they were a weakness of his.

“Yeah,” he said, features collapsing into a look of pure concentration as a guttural moan found its way crawling up his throat to release itself at the same moment when I could feel his release emptying into the condom separating us from complete skin-to-skin by a thin layer of latex.

But I insisted on wearing them now.

“You’ll cum too, sweetie,” Chan whispered, laving his tongue across the pad of his thumb before reaching down to connect with my clitoris, drawing rough circles in random patterns to snap the physical breaking point: holding my tongue to prevent myself from screaming as I rode the waves of pleasure until nothing was left but a delicate haze and the sensation of Chan’s cock still stuffed inside my spent pussy.

As it turns out, aftercare with Chan was the equivalent of my husband spewing my praises while insisting on letting his cock soften completely before pulling out: cock warming at its finest.

“Do you plan to pull out?” I asked him, smirking when he whined and buried his face into the side of my neck.

“It’s been a while since we’ve been like this,” Chan remarked.

“The kids need to get up soon,” I said, although there was a sleepy pull weighing down my eyelids. A good fuck tended to wear me out. “They’ve got their first day.”

“Yeah,” Chan agreed, but he made no effort to separate us. In fact, I could imagine us both easily falling back to sleep.

“You’re coming right?” I asked around a yawn. “To their Kindergarten orientation or whatever the hell they call it.”

“Of course,” Chan said, and he finally lifted his head from my shoulder, gaze soft as he took his time to explore my features. “I can’t miss that.”

“What? Watching the teachers drag them away for the first day of the education system they’ll be stuck in for the next thirteen years?”

“You have a way with words, sweetie.”

I grinned. “Maybe I’m just using words to deny the weirdness of my kids starting school and making me feel like I’m 100 years old.”

“It feels like they were just born,” Chan agreed, and he slowly rose himself into a sitting position, climbing out of bed to give me the best view of his naked ass.

“Your ass looks great by the way.”

“Thanks,” Chan snorted, reaching for a pair of black slacks from the floor. “I’m taking a shower.”

“Fine,” I groaned. “I guess I’ll go awaken the sleeping monsters.”

“Let the chaos begin,” Chan announced, closing the bathroom door behind him as I reached down deep into the reserves to muster enough energy to finally get out of bed.

At the risk of sounding too long-winded, the best way I could describe my twins was with a touch of irony. Because, despite looking identical to one another, my girls couldn’t be more opposite in terms of personality. 

Leah, the eldest by one minute, was boisterous, loud, and unapologetic when it came to being herself. She was the epitome of a social butterfly, jumping from one person to the next and asking questions that occasionally raised a few eyebrows because of their brazenness.

Her sister, Rose, was nothing like that. In fact, Rose hardly spoke at all, choosing to listen instead, and offer her voice only when she truly felt the need to include it. Of course, side-by-side, they were another thing altogether, far too energetic for me to handle.

This morning was no exception, chasing Leah around the house because she refused to change out of her pajamas, questioning me relentlessly on why it mattered that she had to change.

“I should wear what I want!” she insisted, and I had nearly lost my patience with her until Chan entered the room, and he was one of the only people who could talk through to Leah.

Him and Felix, of course.

Before Felix moved out, he and Leah were practically inseparable, and I could see her uncle’s influence in a lot of different ways.

“You want to look your best to make new friends, right?” Chan asked her, and after a laughable look of concentration, Leah nodded and allowed me to change her into a much more suitable dress.

“There,” I grumbled, turning my attention to Rose who was more willing to be dressed.

“Let’s go have breakfast, yeah?” Chan whispered to Leah, and she smiled and giggled at her father as he took her hand and led her into the kitchen. 

I scoffed at how easy he was able to manage her, glancing at Rose who was even more quiet than usual. “Aren’t you excited for your first day?”

She shrugged, looking down at her hands. “I don’t want to leave you.”

I could feel my heart breaking at her sweet words, cupping her face between my hands as I tried to reassure her that she would still see me in the afternoons and evenings. “It’s just a little break,” I said, but I knew that Rose was harder to convince.

In the meantime, Chan and I worked together to have both twins fed and ready to leave the house, packing them lunches for school before ushering everyone out the door because we were teetering on the edge of being too late. 

At least Chan had the wherewithal to warm-up the car, and it gave us more time to fasten everyone into their car-seats before pulling out onto the main road, speeding into the downtown district with the clock ticking away. “Well, at least the other parents will think we’re irresponsible.”

“I’ve got this,” Chan said, and I shivered as he toed the gas and grazed just going over too fast. 

“At the risk of getting a ticket-”

“Relax, sweetie,” Chan interrupted, reaching over to take my hand. “I’ll handle everything.”

“Uh-huh,” I murmured, glancing up into the rearview mirror to see Leah and Rose engaged in their learning tablets. Even if they were a few minutes late, my kids would still be the smartest. I had made sure of that, spending countless hours with them reading as many books as I could buy, digging out paper and pencils to practice their names and alphabet letters, and reading tons of online articles about the best methods to ensure your child’s early learning set them up for the most success.

Right? So what if we were a little late.

“Mommy? Why can’t you both stay with us at school?” Rose suddenly inquired from the backseat.

I sighed, turning around to face her. “Mommy and Daddy both have to go to work, okay? We’ve already had our turn at school.”

“Our turn?” Chan chuckled, and I pivoted in my seat to glare at him.

“That’s the kind of language we should be using with them!”

“Did you read that from an online expert?”

“As a matter of fact, I did!” I huffed, and I caught his smile, letting me know that he was just messing around.

“I just want them to do well,” I whispered, and his expression instantly softened at the sound of my tone.

“You’ve done so well, sweetie,” Chan reassured me, squeezing my hand even tighter as he turned into the school’s parking lot, finding an empty spot near the back.

Immediately, I was at the back door, reaching inside to help Rose out of her seat, spinning her around to help her with her brand new bookbag. “There,” I said, once her attention was on me again. “You’re ready.”

“I don’t know...” Rose trailed off, and her eyes held all the uncertainty of a five-year-old who was used to staying at home with her parents and uncle. Not the unfamiliar presences of her peers. 

“Hey,” I said, kneeling down to meet her gaze straight-on. “I know it seems scary, but I promise that you’ll really love it. I was the same way too on my first day, but my mom gave me the same advice, and guess what? She was right. I ended up loving school, and if there’s a little piece of me in you, then I know that you’ll have so much fun that you’ll forget all about your mommy and daddy.”

Rose’s eyes grew bigger, shaking her head in a manner that was quite endearing. “I won’t ever forget you.”

“I know, sweetheart,” I said, pulling her close for a hug as Chan and Leah emerged from the other side.

“Everything okay?” Chan asked, looking between me and his daughter.

“Just fine,” I said, ruffling Rose’s hair before standing tall again. “Let’s go inside.”

The classroom was already full of students, and I was glad to see some parents lingering, which meant we weren’t as late as I had thought.

“Told ya,” Chan snickered, and I gave him a playful glare before turning my attention to the approaching teacher: an older gentleman with a head of pepper and salt colored hair and kind eyes.

“Hello,” he said, addressing me first. “I’m Mr. Park.”

“Hi,” I said, accepting his handshake. “These are my daughters: Leah and Rose Bang.”

“Ah!” Mr. Park remarked, glancing down. “I’m excited for our twin students! Please, have a seat wherever you’d like.”

“Go on,” I encouraged them when I caught their matching looks of insecurity. “You have each other,” I added, reaching down to wrap their fingers together, giving them one last smile before Leah bravely led her sister further into the room, selecting an empty table near the back.

“Well, it’s so nice to meet you,” Mr. Park said, and I noticed that he had grown a little too close, gaze lingering for far too long. 

“Yes,” I agreed, “And this is my-”

“I’m Chan,” my husband interrupted, inserting himself between me and Mr. Park with a brusque movement. “The father.”

I rolled my eyes at his tone, watching as Mr. Park hesitated before nodding and shaking Chan’s outstretched hand. “Nice to meet you.”

I smirked, waiting until Mr. Park had moved on before leaning in to Chan. “What was that, dear?”

Chan scoffed, searching the room for a moment. “He was flirting with you, sweetie. What did you expect me to do?”

“Well, it could be from our morning romp, but it kinda turned me on.”

Chan raised a suggestive brow at my comment, but I gave him a cheeky smile in response before walking in the direction of Leah and Rose’s table. “Look at you two,” I remarked. “I think you made a good choice.”

“I like seeing outside,” Leah said, and I nodded and tucked away a wayward strand of hair. 

“You’ll both stay together, right?”

I received synchronous nods in response, and there was a lot of relief on my end knowing that my girls would be just fine. 

“We’ll be here to pick you up at 2:00,” Chan said, pointing to the analog clock above the door. “Okay?”

Two more nods. “Remember to have fun. You’re gonna learn so much, and maybe you’ll even be smarter than daddy.”

I managed to elicit two laughs in response to that, and Chan chuckled as he wrapped an arm around my waist. “Be good, alright?”

“Yes, daddy,” Leah replied diligently while Rose nodded her head, attention drifting to a book sitting at the edge of the table.

I smiled knowing that she was showing interest, and then I realized that there was a deeper part of me that was having just as much trouble leaving the girls as they were having with leaving me and Chan. But the other parents were starting to leave the room, and with one more exchange of our goodbyes, Chan and I were walking away from our girls, keeping our own hands locked together as the door closed behind us.

“Woah,” I sighed once we were outside in the hallway. “That was harder than I expected.”

“It’s a big step,” Chan said, and he wrapped an arm around my waist to pull me closer. “But they’ll be okay because they’re ours.”

“Oh,” I laughed. “Is that so?”

“Of course,” Chan said, giving me a perfectly serious look before a smile overtook his features, and any previous doubts were vanquished by the sincerity in that smile, and I knew that as long as I had Chan, then nothing would ever be too difficult to overcome. 

[razorblade180]

RWBY vol8 ep11 review

Hello! I’m a little late but taxes are scary and I’m a little sleepy still. Let’s get started!!!!

I’ll probably have to rewatch this again but as it stands right now, potentially my favorite episode of RWBY and this episode saved this volume for me in a couple of ways.

First of all I just want to talk about how last episode left me thinking Oscar’s blast killed all the grimm. I’m so glad it didn’t; that broke so much tension if it did and kinda made me upset. Weird thing to be happy about, but I am happy regardless.

I love how much of a mess things are for the Ace Ops in particular. They all know this is a mess but it’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I actually found it a tiny bit insane for Marrow to think he could walk away from this. He’s seen Ironwood shoot people for less. He’s lucky Winter has a big heart and hit him before he got shot; which I’m positive she did intentionally. I also love how every side is not sure if Ironwood is bluffing or not.

[Ruby is me at the tax office and Blake is the nice lady putting my papers in order.] Seriously though, I’m glad this happened. I’m glad RT committed to Ruby being fed up and it wasn’t over after the Blake speech. I’m glad Yang ran after and it only her. This is the stuff I wanted! Having optimistic and heroic characters doesn’t mean they can’t feel bad or can’t be in the wrong.

Listen, I don’t like dumping on other ships typically. It’s rude and all ships are different. However; it’s pretty crazy how strong Renora is built compared to bmblb in my opinion as person who likes both. Ren and Nora aren’t technically even dating but this relationship is allowed to have them to disagree, agree, comfort each other physically, verbally, and say they love each other; as well as respect each other’s space. Not to mention how great this was for Nora! Their feelings are out in the open and even though she wants time to come into her own like Ren has been doing, they are now closer than they’ve ever been. It makes me really happy and at the same time wonder why we can’t get this for Bumblebee? They have the same if not more moments than Renora but they’re mainly flirty or “conflicts” that either vanish, feel glazed over, or end as soon as they began. (I should stop complaining about the farm seen and basically V6. Not today though)

Do I even have to say it!?

I’ve maintained the mentally all this volume these two needed to talk about the way things were being lead and just needed one really good moment of emotional vulnerability from both of them. I’m happy Ruby tossed Yang’s remark back at her to show it really bothered her. Yang and Ruby recognizing that both of their plans were messy and discussing their mother together for the first time in this show was really nice. They always linked Summer coversation to Ruby without Yang being prevalent until recently. It also felt like Yang wasn’t torn up over Summer and more focused on Raven until recent episodes. They really needed this talk and I’m happy for sibling moments. I probably won’t get a Qrow and Raven moment but I’ll dream.

This was cool, like really cool. In case you all haven’t noticed, I like this episode a lot because they address things I wanted addressed and it’s done well. The topic of Penny just asking Ruby to kill her instead of someone else using her for the maiden powers was a topic I at least wanted said. I don’t want it to necessarily to happen, but it would’ve been crazy if that avenue wasn’t mentioned. Also I never realized Emerald’s weapons are like Ren’s, but like 50 times cooler.

Second thing that I can get behind is Penny’s soul fighting back the virus. I needed more than “that’s just a part of you” because that’s not how programming and hacking works. It just can’t be repressed. Knowing what is repressing it and that someone else had to help her keep it contained longer makes it feel less hammy in my opinion. Also everyone know realize maybe Oz not telling the truth from the start and being cautious out of fear/uncertainty is easily the most relatable ever. Beef is squashed; teamwork is happening again.

I’m actually very excited to see what she does. I want to know what Cinder looks like when she’s getting her shit together. I don’t think the world is ready for Cinder to actually start being better at her job. Even Watts seemed psyched.

All in all, strong episode. One thing I glazed over was Robyn telling Qrow to shut up and think, because he has honestly become the most insufferable character to me. They’ll probably bump into Marrow and Winter. Robyn gains a few points in my book because even she thinks going right up to James to kill him is insane. It might be the most insane thing.

[maluminspace]

Genre: Fluff

Pairings: Original Female Character/Female Reader

Word Count: 2.6k

Requested by: anon

Little sister!reader and big brother!Ashton - reader gets caught heatedly making out with her girlfriend so is forced to come out to her brother.

Trigger warnings: mild sexual content, coming out

A/N: I feel like I haven’t posted a fic in forever, I’m sorry! It’s a weird time rn and I’m sending you all so much love. Anyways… I love writing wlw and this was a really great way for me to start doing more of it! 💕

***

The walk home from school is turning out to be torturous, as usual. Every time your fingers brush the back of Emily’s hand, the familiar surge of electricity raced through you, begging you to take hold of her. The increasingly intense flirtatious glances you’d share every-so-often aren’t helping your growing lust, either.

Keeping your romantic relationship with Emily a secret from the rest of your friends is getting tougher by the day. It seems incredibly unlikely that no one else can sense the tension between the two of you. Somehow though, everyone else in your life remains oblivious to the fact that you’re dating the most beautiful girl in the whole world.

As you near your house, you notice that your mum’s and your brother’s cars aren’t parked in the driveway. That means that you and Emily could have the whole house to yourselves for a while and the thought makes you kind of giddy. It feels like a lifetime ago since the last time the two of you had shared more than the occasional hasty kiss in the lesser-used girl’s bathroom in the science department of your school. 

You unintentionally quicken your pace a little, shooting a smile at your secret girlfriend as she meets your gaze. “Well, this is me.” You grin, cutting across Lillian’s latest complaint about her boyfriend. “I better go and get stuck into the English homework…” You fake a yawn which pulls a half-hearted giggle from one or two of your friends.

“Wanna work on it together?” Emily asks, her tone so casual as she brushes a strand of her long black hair behind her ear. 

Nodding in what you hope is a natural way, you gesture towards your front door before bidding the rest of your friends goodbye. None of them seem surprised that Emily wants to hang back with you, even if it’s just to work on an English paper together. They all aim vacant waves and unenthusiastic goodbyes at you both before continuing on along the quiet suburban street.

Emily lets out a shy giggle as you open your front door and let her in, her dark eyes twinkling in the late afternoon sun as she waits patiently beside you.

“God, I can’t wait to have you all to myself.” You whisper, jamming your key into the lock. “It feels like today has dragged on forever.”

Your girlfriend nods before aiming a cautious glance over her shoulder as though she’s worried that one of your neighbours, or a random passerby will somehow know what’s on her mind. It’s a ridiculous notion but you get it, the thought of anyone else knowing what the two of you get up to in secret is quite scary. It shouldn’t be, but is...

Swinging open the door, you stand aside to let Emily into the house, breathing in the scent of her floral shampoo as she brushes past you. She kicks off her shoes and stores them on the rack beneath the coat hooks, just as she has done a million times, before heading into the kitchen. 

You allow yourself a moment to revel in the simple little domestic gesture. Emily’s starting to feel so at home in your house now and it means a lot to you. 

Following your girlfriend out of the hallway and into the kitchen, you find that she’s already grabbing a couple of glasses from the cupboard, ready to fill them with water. Instead of helping her out, you end up admiring her ass and legs as she stretches up onto her tiptoes. An involuntary moan escapes as you remember the way it feels to slip your hand beneath her skirt. It turns you on so much, just thinking of the way her cherry red lips usually part around quiet little gasps as your fingers inch higher up her thigh… 

Your tiny moan brings a shy smile to Emily’s face, her cheeks reddening as she moves over to the sink to fill the glasses with water from the tap. “What was that for, sugar?” She giggles, her pet name for you melting your heart the way it always does. 

“I just want to press you against the counter and kiss you until you beg for more.” You reply, unable to engage the filter that you know you should have between your brain and your mouth.

Emily, to your surprise, continues filling both glasses with water before placing them on the counter next to the sink and turning to face you. At first her expression is unreadable but her eyes darken when she meets your gaze. “Then what’re you waiting for?”

A smirk curls your lips as you surge forward, cupping Emily’s soft cheek in your hand before kissing her with all the desperation that’s been building inside of you throughout the day.

Within seconds, it becomes very clear that Emily’s been as excited for this moment as you. She gasps into the kiss as she slips her fingers into your hair. 

It doesn’t take long before your urges start to become irrepressible. You run one hand down her body, allowing it to linger briefly on her waist before dropping it lower to rest on her thigh. 

“Sugar, please…” Emily whimpers, pressing her body as close to yours as possible.

Groaning at the use of the pet name again, you begin to move your kisses along her jawline towards the sensitive skin of her neck. You’re so caught up in the moment that you don’t sense the sudden change in Emily’s body language and the distinct horror in her voice when she mumble’s “fuck…” In fact you continue to kiss your way down her neck until she physically pushes you away. 

Utter confusion takes over you as you ask what has happened, studying your girlfriend’s face in the hope of finding some clue as to what you’ve done wrong. Emily simply stares right past you, her eyes wide with terror. Still feeling entirely bewildered, you turn to see what she’s looking at. Your eyes are immediately met with the startled hazel orbs that belong to your big brother, Ashton. He looks kind of frozen in place, a weird mixture of surprise and confusion on his handsome face.

Your immediate reaction is to start babbling. Words begin spilling from your mouth in a nonsensical jumble. Of course it’s ridiculous to try and explain the situation away, that fact doesn’t stop your panicked brain from trying, though. “...It just happened and I don’t know…”

Words seem to fail Ashton, but he obviously doesn’t want your terrible excuses and he holds up a hand to stop you. You fall silent as Emily straightens out her clothes beside you and slips her hand into yours. She could have easily ran for hills, but instead she’s staying with you, showing you support and solidarity in the most terrifying moment of your life.

When no one speaks for an uncomfortably long moment, you break the silence with a single word. “Ashton…” Every ounce of fear, desperation and uncertainty flooding your body finds its way into the quiet uttering of your brother’s name.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, peanut.” Ashton says, finally stepping forward and placing one of his huge hands on your shoulder. “I love you no matter what.”

The simple statement of love and acceptance from one of the most important people in your life hits you hard in that moment. Tears spring to your eyes as you drop your gaze to the tiled floor. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…” You sob, tightening your grip on Emily’s hand.

“That was partly my fault.” Emily admits, her voice quiet but determined. “I wasn’t ready for everyone to know about me just yet. I asked her to keep it a secret.”

Ashton only responds by pulling you both into a huge hug. His strong arms have never felt more welcoming as you cuddle into him gladly. You feel Emily sink into him as well, sniffing a little as she lets some of her emotion out in the form of tears. Letting go of her hand in favour of wrapping your arm around her waist, you pull Emily closer to you as well.

The three of you remain in a silent embrace for a long moment until Ashton finally pulls back just enough to look you in the face. “Don’t you ever apologise for this, peanut.” He smiles, his hazel eyes a little watery as he moves his hand to your face and cradles your cheek gently. “Neither of you owe anyone anything. Your feelings are your business and I just want you both to know that I’m here for you no matter what, yeah?”

Unable to stem your stream of tears any longer, you allow them to flow freely down your cheeks as you pull Ashton back in for another hug.

Your older brother lets out a tiny giggle before placing a kiss to the top of your head. 

“I should probably leave you two to talk.” Emily whispers after another long moment of silence. She gently untangles herself from your embrace and takes a step away from you and Ashton. 

You can tell that Ashton’s torn. The way he scrapes his teeth across his bottom lip worriedly, is a tell-tale sign that he’s struggling to know what to say or do. You get it, though. Part of him wants to talk this through with you and make sure you’re okay. Another part of him wants to leave you alone with Emily to discuss the inevitability of telling other people about your relationship. You’re not so sure which option is more terrifying.

“Will you be okay?” Ashton asks after a moment of contemplation, his question clearly aimed at Emily. “Do you need us to walk you home or anything?”

Your girlfriend shakes her head, wiping a stray tear from her pale cheek. “I’ll be fine.” She turns to you and gives you an uncertain smile. “Call me later?”

You nod quickly pecking a kiss to her cheek before she heads off into the hallway. “Don’t worry about this, okay? Ashton won’t tell anyone.”

“Of course i won’t!” Your big brother agrees easily. “I just want to talk to my little sister to make sure she knows I’m here for her. The same goes for you too, though… I’m here if you need someone to listen or anything.”

A minute ago, it would have seemed impossible for you to love your brother more than you already did, however now, your heart feels set to burst with it. Before you can even attempt to put your feelings into words, Ashton smiles softly at you. “Go and say goodbye, I’ll make us a drink and order some pizza.”

Judging by the fond expression on her face, Emily seems to adore your brother as much as you do in that moment. “I hope my family are as understanding as you.” She shrugs, offering Ashton a watery smile before continuing out into the hallway.

You follow your girlfriend, allowing her to put on her shoes before you wrap in her another tender hug. “You know that you don’t have to rush telling anyone, don’t you? We can still take our time, Ashton won’t tell anyone.”

Emily gives you a brief kiss before picking up her backpack. “It’s probably time we started talking about coming out, anyway.” She explains, “It’s scary, but I think I’m ready.”

Nodding in agreement you open the front door for her. As much as you fear telling everyone in your life that you have a girlfriend, the exciting possibilities of being ‘out’, help to balance things in your mind. Once everyone knows, you can hold Emily’s hand on the way to school and finally tell your mum that you’re in a serious relationship so that she can stop trying to hook you up with Ashton’s friends. “I think you’re right…” You sigh, a tiny smile curving the corners of your lips. “Being able to tell the world that I love you is enough to stomp out any fear of the assholes that won’t like it.” 

Emily looks so soft as she blinks back more tears. “You’re right, sugar.” She whispers. “I’m also kinda excited to fight the haters.” There’s a faint glint of defiance in her eyes and you realise that you’re incredibly happy not to be on her bad side.

After another swift kiss and cuddle, Emily steps out of the house. She aims a wave at you before turning out of your driveway and disappearing from view. You take a deep breath as you close the front door and prepare to have a potentially incredibly awkward conversation with your big brother.

When you return to the kitchen, you find Ashton leaning casually against the sink, two steaming mugs of coffee on the counter beside him. His attention is entirely fixed on his phone as he swipes and taps away periodically.

“You better be ordering double pepperoni.” You giggle, hoping to start the conversation off on a light note. 

Ashton’s soft hazel eyes drift up to meet yours as he opens his arms, inviting you in for another hug. “What kind of a brother do you take me for, huh? Do you think I don’t know exactly what my baby sister needs at a time like this?”

You hurry towards him and wrap your arms around his waist, resting your head on his chest. “You know I need big brother cuddles, but your taste in pizza has always been questionable!”

A faux-offended scoff escapes Ashton as hugs you close. “My taste in pizza is fucking incredible.”

Rolling your eyes you glance up at your brother, trying not to let the love you have for him overwhelm you. “Pizza taste excluded, you’re a pretty amazing person, Ash.” You smile softly. “Thank you for being so cool about this.”

Ashton places a kiss to your forehead. “I don’t care who you date, peanut. All you need to know is that I will fight anyone who ever hurts you.”

Despite his large muscles and stern manner, the thought of Ashton kicking anyone’s ass is hilarious. He’s too much of a soft soul for that. “Well I know that you won’t ever need to fight Emily… She’s a good girlfriend.”

“So you two are an actual ‘thing’, then?” He asks hesitantly. “Like dating, it’s not just a fling?”

You shake your head. “We’re serious about each other, She makes my heart feel so full and my knees go all wobbly around her…”

Ashton smirks cheekily. “Well that settles it… I need to finish ordering this pizza so that you can tell me all the gossip! I wanna know everything about her and how you fell for her!” He looks kind of misty eyed, like the old romantic that he truly is. 

“You really want to hear about all that sappy stuff?” You ask, feeling your cheeks heat up a bit. 

“Of course!” Ashton insists. “We haven’t had a good old sibling heart-to-heart in a long time and I need to know about the girl you’re seeing. I have to make sure she’s good enough for you, don’t I?” He pulls away from you just enough to give himself room to complete the pizza order. “Grab the coffees, peanut, it’s time for you to spill all the beans to your old bro.”

You do as your brother asks, picking up the two steaming mugs before following him into the living room. It’s clear how lucky you are, knowing that in the scariest time of your life so far, you at least have the love and support of your amazing big brother.

Tag list: @gamerboymike @byxthexway @afuckingunicornn @painkillerash @moonchildsblack @calumbbyyy @h0tsos @loveroflrh @sexgodashton @megz1985 @myfalsedevotion @aulxna @honeyedlashton @tea4sykes @ghostofmashton @fairyintheglass @cashworthy @cashtonasfuck @opheliaaurora23 @5sosnsfw @wildmichaelflower @loverofcashton @irwinkitten​ @cxddlyash​ @wildmalumflower​ @cashtonasff5sos​ @iovehemmings​ @lowpowermodex​ @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles​ @celticclifford​ @5-secondsofcolor​ @queer-5sos​

[dearinheadlights-archived]

4 April 2021

agh. the catholic guilt is sinking in. my dad told me to have a “nice dinner” tonight, and i’m doordashing wendy’s. i don’t know.

guilt with [001], too. maybe that’s not the right word. anxiety, certainly. but guilt too, in a weird way. 

i wrote a whole tangent, but, first, i should add some stuff about [002] in regard to [001]. i have complex feelings about her, and i don’t like that about myself. i’m not going to try too much to change some of those feelings, because i feel that they’re valid, to an extent. it’s okay to dislike the way you feel without wanting to change it, i think? sometimes i wish i could simply not feel anything. anyways, [002] added more pain to one of my deepest, most painful wounds, and that’s really hard for me to fully move on from when it was never addressed, even though she knew it had been bothering me. she simply didn’t care enough to do anything about it, and still doesn’t. i don’t dislike her. i have a lot of respect for her, actually. she and i are pretty different, which is part of where that respect comes from. i get along with her decently well, too, i think... most times. but i suppose jealousy is a factor, too. as much as i hate it. this part i would change, if i can. i’d like to get a better handle on managing it. [001] and [002] have a friendly dynamic, and they have a more of solid foundation than [001] and i do right now. i’m jealous of that. i’m jealous of their late night walk(s) around charleston. [001] and i haven’t gone on a walk like that. he hasn’t suggested anything like that, or anything besides lunches or hanging out at [003]’s house. i’m jealous of how they always manage to bring up past memories—a party i wasn’t invited to, another late night walk together, whatever—that they share that i’m not included in, even when i’ve heard some of them a multitude of times before. yes, [002], i know you were with [001] when he peed in those bushes. i’ve heard the story about five times now, every time we’ve passed by that short brick wall. congratulations! he took his dick out around you! i haven’t been afforded the luxury as of late. ugh, it’s just frustrating. and he always defends her whenever i air a specific grievance about her, rather than supporting me or even remaining neutral. not that he has to be on my side for everything because he’s my boyfriend now, but it does hurt. i feel like, whenever he comes to me with an issue about someone else, i try to be just as validating of how he’s feeling as i am of offering a different perspective and advice. i try to do that with anyone who talks to me about how they’re feeling, honestly. but, when i pointed out how much he defends her, he replied with “because she’s my friend.” I’M HIS GIRLFRIEND. do i hold less weight? i feel petty for writing it out, but it’s bothering me, so into the journal it goes.

anyways, back to [001]. after being being broken so many times by him, i really want to put in the effort to build a solid foundation for a relationship. i know we have some fundamental differences. i can be stubborn, mainly about my morals—those are really my only sense of self that i know of. i struggle with knowing who i am. i always have. and i’m stubborn about things that have hurt me before, when they haven’t been resolved. i have plenty of forgiveness to give, but only when it has been earned. lately, not many people have tried. i guess i’m not worth it.

it’s hard to build that foundation without the optimism of the “honeymoon phase,” or really, with much optimism at all. i know that have it. i don’t know if he does. he says he loves me and wants to be with me. he worries about the future, though, which is ironic, because he has so adamant about only focusing on day-to-day emotions. he said something about how he doesn’t know if we’re compatible for the long-term, since we’ve been arguing sometimes about things we talk about. some things that don’t even really matter, i guess. i wish we had a better foundation of just, trusting each other. but that’ll take time to build back up. it’s hard, because i’m still earning his trust, but i haven’t don’t anything to discount it, i don’t think. but, i think that, sometimes i’m so focused on making sure he’s feeling okay and just, on him that i neglect how i’m feeling. and it sneaks up on me: that i’m not feeling okay, sometimes: i mean, it’s only been a few days. but not much has changed from how we used to be. and i got hurt, then. i’m still looking for that, like, difference. it was supposed to be in effort, and in certainty. but the idea of a date seemed lackluster to him, and he expressed they he’s feeling uncertain about our compatibility. which is hard, hearing that right after we just officially started dating. i feel like i’m just now starting the journey with him after months of back-and-forth and on-and-off, and he’s still not sure about how he feels when he told me he was. like, i’m not a fan of the fact that we argue sometimes the way we do either, but i’d never look at it like a fundamental compatibility issue right away? more like, a dynamic thing, to talk about and resolve. but it felt like i had to convince him of that logic. 

is it too much to ask? to be loved? it feels like it, from the way things have worked out with past relationships, and the way this has been. it hurts. i love someone with everything i am—why can’t i get that in return? i don’t expect a perfect dynamic right away, especially after everything that happened with us, but i want so badly to make things better and happier and I CAN’T DO THAT IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO AND I NEVER KNOW WHAT HE WANTS. it’s so scary sometimes, because it just reminds me of the outright heartbreak that he brought me these past few months. there was so much uncertainty there. and now, i thought him saying he wanted to date was a commitment of really trying. and that he was going to make it up to me. and he has been sweet, but, like i said, i need something that shows me i can trust him. of course i want him to always be honest with me, but coming to me after just five days of officially dating with a statement of “i don’t know how long we’ll be together” and “we’re really different people; i don’t know how compatible we are in the long-term” and “i still don’t know if i should be in a relationship” is really really scary. he hasn’t done much to build up that trust that was broken besides provide physical affection, and adding stuff like this on top if it just feels... overwhelming, because there isn’t a solid foundation yet. the last quoted statement is the scariest, i think. he told me he was sure. that was my only condition to dating again: to let me know when he’s absolutely sure he wants to be with me. and i know it’s not his intention, but it makes me feel, almost, unworthy of love, i guess. so often, i’m feeling perfectly happy and normal and i’m loving on him, and i think i’m good to him? but he’s still questioning his decision. am i not enough? am i handling this wrong? i’m trying my best.

i’m going in circles about the whole thing at this point, honestly. sorry. i just love him a lot, and i hate the idea of losing him before we’re really tried a relationship and while we still love each other, and it’s so hard when there’s so much going on with him that i have no control over. he feels how he feels, and there’s only so much i can do about that. and it terrifies me, because he’s shut me out so many times. if he thinks we aren’t “compatible,” then what’s to stop him from keeping me out? i hate feeling like this, and saying these things about the person i’m so in love with. i hate that i even have to address things like this, because what if he hears how i’m feeling and decides that i’m right? that he wants to just shut me out again? essentially, my worst anxieties would be confirmed right before my eyes. it’s happened before, in the past, when we were struggling and i would ask him questions and he gave answers that upset me so much. i can’t bear that; i couldn’t. it destroyed me. i never want to feel like that again, but every time i think i’m out of the woods, it seems i’m right back in the thick of it. and i try offering solutions, but it depends on what he feels like; on what he can endure, right now. i’m sympathetic, of course, because i hate seeing strained and struggling. but it hurts, too, knowing that working on our relationship and going on dates and all of that is just... a second-tier priority. if he doesn’t have the energy for it, it simply won’t happen. of course, it’s been like this for a while. when he didn’t want to deal with stuff involving me, we just broke up when he decided so. and he’s saying that now will be different, but i’m still... waiting for the proof.

i really do hate myself for feeling this way. i don’t want to seem like i’m discounting his efforts, because i know it took a while before he could even get to the point of being ready to date, and i certainly cannot see every physical and mental effort he makes. i’m just consistently putting my heart in his hands, and it’s been broken so badly before. i don’t want to be scared anymore. i just want to be held, and to be told it’s gonna be okay. not that he’s questioning our compatibility. i want to be shown that everything is okay. that i’m safe with him. i have the confidence that he can do it. if he tries. if he wants to. i just want to be loved, and treated well. by him. because i love him, so much.

[fictionalarsonist]

heartache — pt.2

pairing ›_yoonkook

content ›_angst ; fluff ; underage drinking ; mild language ; jealous!yoongi rating ›_pg word count ›_4.3k

―

premise ›_they’re two idiots in love still figuring things out.

a/n ›_this is an unplanned follow up to the heartache drabble, requested by taesboba and jazzy3120 at ao3. I hope they enjoy it as well as everyone else who reads. Feedback is always appreciated. edit ›_(Aug.2nd) had to change the title because part 3 was requested. 😂😂 the funny thing is, I wrote heartache as part of a drabble in which I compromised myself in not writing too much, but i'm always happy to take requests. credit › _thank you so much to @mindays​ for beta-reading and helping me out with this one for me. _😘💕

「 ao3 | masterlist 」

[ heartache | part 2 | epilogue ] 

The car stopped and Yoongi looked through the window, part of him expected to see Jungkook somewhere among the other students. He felt the driver’s eyes on him through the rearview mirror and forced himself to divert his attention, sliding his wallet out of his jacket’s pocket to pay the man.

“Look,” the man started, chewing his gum way too obnoxiously for Yoongi’s taste, “If you don’t have a dorm or anything and— y’know, need a place to stay...”

Yoongi saw him reaching inside over the panel and for a piece of paper and a pen, write something down and slide the paper in the folded bills before handing it to him.

“It’s cheap and somewhere— near ,” the man cracks a contained laughter that shakes his shoulders a little, “I guess we could say that?” His laughter dies when Yoongi doesn’t seem to respond to his antics, “Just try giving a call, okay? Have fun in college, kid.”

Yoongi pocketed the money and stepped out of the car, glad that he could breath fresh, untainted air yet again. Yoongi swung his backpack on his shoulder, the old thing could fall apart any day, but he’s oddly attached to it. He shifted the gym bag he’s been carrying from one hand to another after shoving the money in his pocket and leaving his hand tucked in there as he took a quick look around.

Yoongi isn’t exactly what one would call a very good navigator, but he could remember by heart the address Jungkook gave to him. He walked straight along the park until the second intersection, then he crossed the street. Yoongi can’t help but to notice how these traditional colleges have the same type of environment and architecture, but the locations are always random or so it seems.

One could never know where everything is supposed to be. Yoongi recalls how long it took him and Hoseok to figure out the different paths and shortcuts to go from one place to another. Jungkook, being the ever infamous golden boy that he is, always figures things out as if it was nothing to others. Hoseok told him about it, Hoseok would always update him on anything Jungkook related— Not that Yoongi ever asked him too. But, he couldn’t just— Simply ignore it and not listen to it. He just pretended he didn’t.

Then again, of course, this was before that day. Before Yoongi saw the mess that he created. That late afternoon when he cornered Hoseok and made him trace Jungkook’s phone location, grabbed his friend’s car keys and rushed to the place he still knows by heart because that's where Jungkook would always oh-so-coincidentally bump into him with his friends and his girlfriend. Saying he felt like a piece of trash seeing Jungkook wasted like that is an understatement.

It took so much of Yoongi to keep himself together and try helping Jungkook at that moment when he himself was a turmoil inside, not knowing how to feel or how to act. The only thing he knew was that that scene right there was dangerous and he knew Jungkook’s story with alcohol so it made it all worse— All the more scary and Yoongi just couldn’t stop blaming himself.

Not when he arrived nor when he managed to get Jungkook to throw up all that was inside of him and sober a little. Not when he had Jungkook in his arms and felt so powerless because even though he was there he kept pushing Yoongi away and this could be too late for them.

It was hard, stumbling on his thoughts and uncertainties in front of Jungkook sitting across from him in that truck. The way Jungkook looked at him, utterly vulnerable, physically sick, and emotionally hurt when Yoongi— very inappropriately, mind you—  gathered whatever courage he could to finally spell it out his confession.

It could be called a miracle that things turned out good considering how much of a neglecting asshole he was for so long. Now, he’s doing again, dragging himself halfway across the country to meet that annoying brat that is his boyfriend. Six months is too long, Skype calls, phone calls, texts. Nothing’s anywhere near being good enough when Yoongi thinks of just how they were together almost the entire time over their summer break. Even so, it wasn’t enough.

Yoongi’s not quite sure what he expected, but Jungkook is nothing he could imagine and the thrill of a new relationship still burns between them very frustratingly with the many miles that keeps them apart. It’s almost consequential that one of them decided to reach out first and see the other, and since Jungkook’s still going over his finals Yoongi decided to arrange his final project’s schedule around it.

A quick look around told Yoongi he’s close enough. He could see the statue, ‘The Patron’ as Jungkook told him it’s called. And as Jungkook said, it’s decorated with some weird accessories provided by some students that were starting to celebrate the end of another semester, or, in other cases, the end of their major. Yoongi recognizes Jungkook’s contribution to the mess, he’s seen before in the picture Jungkook sent him to let him know what the statue looks like on the ‘How to get to my dorm’ file.

It’s quite unbelievable how the dean doesn’t even try to stop this anymore. His college, on the other hand, would have the staff throwing a fit just for the sombrero on the statue’s head. Jungkoook’s contribution is a copy of Yoongi’s tattoo, painted in white on the dark green statue, at the same place Yoongi has it. A little too detailed, Yoongi thinks, and way too unnecessary as he said before, but professing that to the bratty Jungkook only earned him an amused chuckle and a very teasing-toned reply.

“Oh! C’mon, hyung!” Jungkook started all by himself, knowing his teasing would always stir a nerve in Yoongi, “It’s the end of my second semester. My first year, my first collaboration on the project! I was told to contribute with something that means something important to me.”

“My tattoo?” Yoongi replied, refusing to acknowledge how affected he was by the way Jungkook smiled at him with a purpose and Yoongi liked even less that Jungkook quickly shifted into his mocking demeanor.

“Well, it’s not like I could draw you there. I couldn’t pin you there either,” though, despite his worlds, Jungkook seems to be putting some thought into it.

“Whatever you’re thinking of — Just don’t!” He tried to cut  Jungkook off when the other half-smiled to himself and shifted in bed to lay down.

“I swear, hyung. I’d be a waste, if I could bring you all the way here, I’d pin you right on this bed.” Jungkook provoked, placing his laptop beside him instead. “Do you have any idea of how much I miss you right now? — ”

Yoongi doesn’t really want to think of how Jungkook’s voice sounded so purposefully provocative and instantly made him weak. It’s just embarrassing how things turned out to be. Not that Yoongi doesn’t like it, but he prefers not to think about the way goosebumps runs over his skin and he’s always so responsive to Jungkook.

Jungkook, on the other hand, has been enjoying himself all too much, pushing some limits here and there and seeing Yoongi just allowing him with nothing but meaningless protests. Yoongi’s been quite pathetic, while Jungkook has been enjoying having this effect on his hyung a little bit too much for Yoongi’s liking. Jungkook isn’t Yoongi’s first relationship, but with him everything’s so much more than Yoongi ever had. 

The statue certainly means he’s going the right way and Yoongi decides not to let his mind wander too much or he might get lost which isn't the ideal at the moment. So, from the statue he should take the second left. Jungkook said he’d be in class and would meet him at the apartment, his roommate moved out— Seokjin, or Jin-hyung as Jungkook likes to call him, Yoongi remembers well because Jungkook couldn’t stop singing praises about the guy that Yoongi saw plenty of times on Jungkook’s social media.

It doesn’t quite surprise Yoongi that he recognizes Seokjin when he looks over and he definitely doesn’t need a second glance to clearly see Jungkook beside him. Yoongi pauses his steps as he stops and stands there, furrowing his brows. His watch tells him he’s not late or early, actually, he’s right on time. Jungkook had told him he’d be in class for two and a half hours, so why is he in the middle of the campus, talking to his ex-roommate? Without as much as a second thought Yoongi finds his feet taking him their way.

“You’ll be okay without me around, right?” Jin asks.

“Yeah. Don’t worry, hyung.” Jungkook smiles with a shrug.

Jin takes a once-over at Jungkook and his eyes stop at the messy hair falling over the younger’s eyes.

“You really should cut your hair,” Jin says introspectively, reaching out to try and arrange the loose strands, running his hand through Jungkook’s hair.

“Alright! Geez!” Jungkook starts complaining, pulling back from Jin’s obsessive mania of getting everything into place. “I will, hyung! When the finals are over-,” Jungkook tries to lean back to escape from Jin’s obsessive behavior of always fixing everything.

“Jungkook!”

Jungkook’s heels scrape the gravaled ground as he turns to Yoongi walking up to him with purpose. Jungkook’s first reaction would be greeting Yoongi as he meant to do since they parted ways, but something tells him that there doesn't seem to be a space for that at the moment. Whatever Jungkook says is lost in the wind while Yoongi locks eyes with Jin as he coolly retracts his hand from Jungkook’s hair. Seemingly unfazed by Yoongi’s hard, threatening stare.

“I thought you’d be in class,” Yoongi speaks up, his eyes taking their time to look away from the calm and collected Jin in front of him to Jungkook.

“I should , but the professor didn’t show up,” Jungkook says, “I was about to go home and wait for you when I met Jin-hyung.”

Yoongi’s eyes quickly land on Jin again, clearly displeased to see that he’s still there. Jungkook’s eyes find Yoongi’s backpack hanging from his fingers and he tries to take it from him, though Yoongi’s fingers have a firm grip on it.

“Just give it, hyung,” Jungkook insists.

“You already have enough on you,” Yoongi contests, resisting even though Jungkook doesn’t let go, nodding at Jungkook’s own backpack and the books under his arm.

“I’m alright, hyung.” Jungkook assures him in a half-annoyed tone, his fingers forcing Yoongi’s to let him take it.

Yoongi sighs and Jungkook knows he’s embarrassed with this, it’s been a pleasure apart from everything else to know this other side of Yoongi. It’s been all the more fun to explore this side of Yoongi too, but Jungkook knows now’s not the moment to push it further. Not with the way Yoongi looked at Jin just a moment before.

Jungkook’s eyes snap at Jin for a moment. “Oh, right. I almost forgot.” Jungkook says with one of his mischievous smiles he knows Yoongi’s always suspicious about and he gave his boyfriend plenty of reasons to be suspicious of, although not enough— or so Jungkook thinks.

“Hyung,” Jin’s attention never left them but his eyes had been softly watching Yoongi with something rather unreadable in them, they slide over to Jungkook, “This is Min Yoongi-hyung—”

“Ah!” Jin extends his hand, “Of course.”

Jungkook turns to Yoongi next and manners his hand to Jin, “I told you about Jin-hyung before, right?”

“Yeah, you did,” Yoongi speaks up loosely.

Against his own will Yoongi pulls out his hand from his pocket and takes Jin’s hand firmly in his locking eyes with the guy. Yoongi doesn’t want to let his mind go over unnecessary things, but he didn’t like how Jin’s taller and perfectly put together self is presented to him. But, the real reason as to why Yoongi gets put-off by Jin is that arrogant smile flashing towards him as if Jin knows something Yoongi doesn’t.

“It’s good finally meeting you,” Jin says with a casual politeness that is an obvious characteristic of him, even not knowing him Yoongi could see it. “You know,” Jin smiles pleasantly, but it just makes it harder for Yoongi to not dislike the guy, “Jungkook’s always talking about you.”

“I’m sure he’d do that. I’m his boyfriend.”

Yoongi finds himself saying, squeezing Jin’s hands in his and pulling back harshly. Jin raises an eyebrow, tilting his head with a clear contradicted expression at first that only lasts for a second before he portraits his signature polite smile.

“Well, I’m just his roommate— Well, I mean ex -roommate, right?” Jin lets out what Yoongi clearly sees as a posed smile, a posed chuckle that he has no doubt others can easily fall for. Not him. “I was kicked out.”

“I didn’t kick you out, hyung!” Jungkook protests.

“Oh, c’mon, Kookie!” Jin seems to genuinely enjoy calling Jungkook that nickname, Yoongi, on the other hand, isclose to having enough of it. “I got pretty sick and tired of you complaining about how our living arrangements wouldn’t allow your boyfriend to come over and stay with you. It was too clear for me to not take the hint, it just worries me about the rent, though.”

“Don’t worry, hyung. I got it.” Jungkook reassures him.

“Well, if you say so—” Jin shrugs dismissively, “Let me know if something comes up. I can always move back in.”

If only looks could kill, Jin would be a dead man long before he could finish saying that with that ridiculous, arrogant, posed smile that’s started to rub off on Yoongi in the wrong way everytime Jin does it.

[ ⁕⁕⁕ ]

“Hyung?” Jungkook calls out for the nth time as they walk to Jungkook’s place. “Hyung, what’s wrong?” Jungkook insists on despite knowing it might not be the best idea, “Hyung! Yoongi-hyung!”

“I’m just fucking tired, okay?” Yoongi speaks between his teeth and Jungkook sighs as the elevator doors open and they step in.

Yoongi turns to look at Jungkook, examining him.

“What~?” Jungkook asks, half-irritated now.

“What���s the problem with your hair?”

“Huh?” Jungkook looks up, not being able to reach up to check it since his hands are busy.

“That guy was running his hands in your hair when I saw you. What’s wrong with it?” Yoongi asks with even less patience and Jungkook chuckles looking back at him.

“Ah, that. Jin’s kind of obsessed with everything being clean and right… I don’t know,” Jungkook shrugs, “He keeps nagging at me.”

“You don’t wash your hair?”

“Wha- No! Hyung, no!” Jungkook laughs, “It’s just that— I should’ve got a new cut, but I can’t find the time to do it, since there’s still some finals to go through and some stupid project I have to finish. I just haven’t had time to go to a barber since he moved out.”

“I think it’s just fine like this,” Yoongi speaks up, “Just cut the ends, I think. So it won’t fall over your eyes.”

He’s not used to this yet. Especially since he knows the provocative smile Jungkook’s wearing right now.

“Thank you, hyung. Actually, I was thinking... I was thinking of just cutting a little just so the hair won’t fall on my face, but I’ll keep the long bangs.”

Yoongi sees Jungkook moving closer to him, he looks over only to find his boyfriend’s face just a breath away from the distance of him. Yoongi turns to look at the closed doors again and feels Jungkook’s breathy chuckle on his ear, sending shivers down his spine. Yoongi can pretty much feel the blood running to the surface.

Jungkook’s always a brat, always finding a way to get to him, the problem is Yoongi finds himself being pretty vulnerable to it.

“But, hyung~,” Jungkook breaths on his skin and Yoongi gulps down the tension building up on his muscles, “That’s only if you’d think I look hot like that. If you really like it, you know?”

Yoongi feels thankful when the doors slide open and he clears his throat. He’d move his feet to bolt out of the elevator first if his feet didn’t seem to be glued down at the moment. He watches Jungkook, with that stupid smug face of his, walk out first.

As Yoongi follows Jungkook down the hall he tries not to think about it, he really tries not to, but he can’t help it. Jin sets him off, he just knew it’d be like that, he didn’t like the way Jungkook kept singing nothing but praises about the guy. How intelligent, eloquent, caring, or whatever this Jin guy is, how they went out and this and that happened, how Jin knows almost everyone who’s someone around the campus.

Yoongi can’t stop thinking how many times Jin walked down this hall together with Jungkook and this is so fucking silly, but Yoongi can’t get out of his mind how freely Jin acted around Jungkook. This was nothing like someone who sees the other as just a friend and Yoongi’s not sure if Jungkook’s oblivious enough not to see it or if he’s pretending not to. Either way, it doesn't help the case.

Yoongi closes the door behind him and gives a quick look at the apartment’s living room. Everything’s organized and clean, something he knows Jungkook isn’t that good at.

“What?” Jungkook asks, his eyes trained on Yoongi.

“Was it you or your ex- roommate who cleaned the place?” Yoongi wishes he didn’t say it like that, but the words just rolled out of his lips.

“Hyung-” 

Yoongi finds it odd how close Jungkook’s voice sounds, so he looks up only to be caged in by Jungkook’s body and the wall behind him. He didn’t even have the time to take off his shoes.

“Are you jealous, hyung?” Jungkook provokes, stepping closer to Yoongi now pressed with his back flat against the wall. Jungkook had that stupid smug grin pulling the corners of his lips, “Are you thinking of Jin being here with me, is that it?”

Yoongi moves his head and Jungkook presses his hand on the wall next to Yoongi’s head, grinning when their lips brush much to Yoongi’s dismay. Jungkook humms, low and provoking and Yoongi swallows around nothing, taking a sharp breath, his eyes drawn to his boyfriend’s lips molded into that stupid grin Yoongi’s oh-so-tempted to cover with his own lips.

But before he can do anything, Jungkook moves his lips to Yoongi’s ear and Yoongi tries his best to not allow his body to shake with the goosebumps that run under his skin so violently. This is the aftermath of pent-up sexual tension between them and Yoongi knows it. He wants Jungkook just as much as he knows Jungkook wants him. Yoongi has been pushing the boundary and testing Jungkook on it, only to be surprised by the younger’s immediate reaction.

Jungkook’s lips brush on his earlobe just for a moment before he pulls away enough just so all Yoongi can feel is his skin tingling under Jungkook’s breath.

“Hyung,” Jungkook breaths on his skin and chuckles when Yoongi can’t stop the tremble that shakes through him, “Hyung, do you think I’d even think of someone else? Me?”

Yoongi isn’t conscious of Jungkook’s hand sliding down the wall beside him until he feels his hand pulling his body and Yoongi can’t help but to be compliant. His hand reaches up on its own until he has a firm grip on Jungkook’s sleeve. 

“My Yoongi-hyung.”

Yoongi’s eyes close once Jungkook’s lips touch his jaw light as a feather, brushing on the spot as Jungkook’s hand takes a firm grip on his waist, pressing Yoongi’s side to his chest tightly, leaving Yoongi wanting more than that.

“I could never look at some other guy,” Jungkook speaks smoothly against his skin, lowering his lips down Yoongi’s neck, stopping unexpectedly to press his lips at random spots, causing Yoongi’s pulse to jolt and race each time. “Not when I know I can have you.”

Jungkook’s hand slid down Yoongi’s side, finding the hem of the shirt under the jacket. Yoongi’s hand grips tightly on his boyfriend's biceps and he licks his lips. Jungkook glances at Yoongi’s face just enough to see him frowning; swallowing thickly around his words and Jungkook knows what he wants to say.

They’ve been waiting for this, to hold each other, feel each other like this, push the boundaries they couldn’t dare to during that summer break when Jungkook was nothing but an inexcusable, pathetic mess and Yoongi couldn’t, for the life of him, put together a comprehensive sentence right now. Yet, this seems to be going too far too fast, Jungkook knows and he doesn’t want to force anything, but it’s so deliciously pleasing to have Yoongi there for him, so pliant and responsive.

Yoongi feels Jungkook’s fingertips pressing on the small of his back, tracing his skin without pressing yet. Yoongi finds himself edging against him and even though this isn’t supposed to be happening, not now. Maybe Jungkook doesn’t know, maybe he can’t tell, but somewhere under the haze and warmth of the feeling of having Jungkook surrounding him, Yoongi knows this is just too soon.

“I craved you the whole semester, y’know?” Jungkook mutters against his skin and Yoongi tries his best not to close his eyes, it’s what Jungkook wants and he’s not willing to let him have it. “You don’t know how much I keep thinking about how your voice sounds over the phone- I loved seeing your face flushed that day too.”

Yoongi can’t help it, his eyes close before he notices as he feels Jungkook nibbling on his skin, at a particular soft spot near his clavicle. He fists Jungkook’s jacket and feels the smug grin pressed on his skin and he wants to complain, but all he’s able to muster is a deep groan that has Jungkook humming along as if they’re singing  a song together. Yoongi hates this as much as he wants to keep it going.

“I keep thinking about that one time you called me drunk in the middle of the night, hyung~” The words color Yoongi’s mind with blurry faint memories, the embarrassment of what happened serves off a remedy to make him snap out of this trace, just enough to get him to think of saying something.

His lips part even if he doesn’t know what he’d say and Yoongi hears the sound of a struggled gasp falls from his own lips when Jungkook all knowingly pressing an open-mouthed kiss on his pulse while his arm circle his middle underneath the shirt and his hand now presses harder on his skin. This is ridiculous, it’s nothing much. Yet, Yoongi can’t help himself. He loses himself in Jungkook’s warmth just as easily.

But, next thing he knows, he can’t feel Jungkook anymore, even so, Yoongi’s still into that haze Jungkook wrapped him in, still too lost to see through it all and Jungkook gives him a moment. He stands there, watching this new side of Yoongi; once he sees his hyung is stable again, Jungkook pulls away and he can see the confusion in Yoongi’s eyes looking for him. Jungkook wishes he didn’t have to stop there, but there’s still time.

Jungkook walks away with one of his soft smiles, taking a last look at how flustered Yoongi looks pressed up against that wall, pretending his fingertips doesn’t still tingle, craving for the touch of Yoongi’s skin again. He just has to pretend to not be that much affected and it’s not easy.

“I’ll put your things in my room,” he speaks up, not sure if Yoongi actually hears him, then he leaves before he can get any response. Yoongi could very well ask to stay in the other room and Jungkook doesn’t want that.

Yoongi runs his hands over his face and groans, this time disapprovingly of himself. He doesn’t recall how it started, but he’s relieved Jungkook seems to understand, or, at least, Yoongi hopes he does. Jungkook has always been a brat and he could’ve stopped just because he felt like it, but Yoongi wanted to think it’s because he understood. He pushes himself off the wall and finds himself lost inside the rather small apartment.

“I cleaned it because I knew you’d nag at me, hyung,” Jungkook says ever so casually as he walks in the living room again, as if what just happened was nothing but a speck of Yoongi’s imagination that came out vivid enough to leave the burn on his skin where Jungkook had touched him, “Are you hungry?”

Yoongi swallows, fighting off the awkwardness of not quite knowing what to do with himself and he sees Jungkook grinning to himself as he steps into the kitchen area.

“Why? Did you cook?” Yoongi didn’t even try to hide his skepticism and chose to sit on the couch, he looks down only to see Jungkook’s notebook open on top of a stack of books. He skims the page and naturally doesn’t understand a word.

“I’m living alone for over a year now, hyung,” Jungkook points out and looks back only to see Yoongi running his hand on the back of his neck, to make himself feel better. “If you’re tired just lay down a bit, I just have to heat this up. I’ll call you when I’m done.”

Yoongi can hear Jungkook saying something about the bed, but to him, the couch sounds good enough. He tries to keeps his eyes open just a little while, just to drawn in the sound of Jungkook in the kitchen; different than what Yoongi imagined, Jungkook’s not loud, he barely makes any noise and he doesn know if he’s trying to be quiet or this is who he is while cooking. Just one of the things Yoongi would like to find out over these weeks. He hears the fridge being opened and the knife slicing the vegetables, hitting the cutting board and the place’s small and quiet enough for Yoongi to hear the shuffle of Jungkook’s bare feet on the floor and he sleeps with an unexpected reassurance.

⇽ part 01 | epilogue ⇾

[cadday]

Collateral Damage - Chapter 4

The next few days are better in his opinion. He gets his bandages removed and upgraded to an eyepatch which has him and Ienzo running around the castle pretending to be pirates for a better half of a day, it ended when treasure was successfully procured in way of sea salt ice creams. His face is permanently scarred and it’s pretty rough to look at but he already remembered how bad it looked so oh well. He remembers yellow eyes, pointed ears, and whitening hair in his reflection too but that isn’t their now and he just avoids mirrors in case his eyes play tricks on him. 

He needs meds a little less but his eye still hurts from time to time, as well as his head and chest but he never mentions those. Braig also get’s to use his guns and much to the shock of pretty much everyone besides him his aim is perfectly fine. Even mutters something under his breath about how he was probably shooting with one eye open this whole time anyway to show off because he would be a reckless idiot to have poor gun safety practices and he merely smiles with as much teeth as he can at the scientist.

With his depth perception fine he gets to get back to guard duty and he never thought he’d be so excited to maintain order so much in his life. 

Aqua hasn’t returned, and Braig tries not to dwell on what that could mean, what he couldn’t prevent. Still the Xehanort Terra never appears so he hopes for the best but waits each day for the worst. 

He wakes up screaming frequently, sometimes more than once a night. Dilan usually is the one who gets to him first and he only hopes Ienzo’s room is far enough away that he doesn’t hear him. No one ever brings it up at least and he’s too much a coward to ask. He also never finds the thing Dilan says he’s missing. Ienzo and Master Ansem both bring it up as well but he has no answers when they ask why he stopped wearing whatever it is. No one can find it so it’s pointless anyway.

He still has trouble talking but the others are getting used to days where he can’t choke out any response. Braig wishes he could just turn his voice back on but it seems pretty satisfied to stay as far as possible. 

Today he’s patrolling near the entrance when he gets a weird feeling, and he ends up following the weird feeling away from the regular patrol path. He ends up at the fountain and is confused until he realizes he’s not the only one there. The little girl with red hair is hiding behind a tree but not very well. He stands there staring at the child and debates just leaving before realizing that he should probably check to make sure the kid is not actually in danger and wander over. He stands next to her watching her peak out from behind the tree before leaning over slightly. 

“Why?” At least he can talk today. The little redhead girl jumps quite a bit and Braig snorts as she looks at him startled. She’s not scared for very long as she suddenly shushes him and points back to where she was looking. Braig shrugs and kneels down next to her to watch whatever it is their watching. Nothing happens for quite a while, and really he applauds this kids patience but then he watches a bunch of freaking heartless appear and nearly has a panic attack. He grabs onto the girls arm to get them out of there but the heartless merely scurry around in a circle then vanish back to the darkness. He let’s go of her arm and sighs in relief before looking back at the kid. Princess his heart un helpfully supplies. He frowns at her as she blinks back up at him. Keyblade his heart whispers more concerned and he tries to resist the urge to smack himself in the face. He knows her. Just can’t remember how, she doesn’t seem to really know him so it must be something that happened later. Hopefully something that will never happen now. The little girl takes his silence as permission to explain which is fine. His head was starting to hurt again anyway.

“They started showing up a few days ago. They are scary like the other monsters but weird because they don’t normally come after anyone else...I didn’t want to worry Grandma so if something feels wrong,” She puts a hand on her heart. “I go hide. That way she’s safe.” She seems so proud of herself, Braig wants to pull his hair out in frustration. 

“No.” She blinks at him surprised and then waits for more. Braig tries to focus on what needs to be said, his head hurts so dang much.

“Castle, for help. If, next time.” Red head girl blinks up at him slowly and then beams like a freaking lighthouse at him. 

“I should go to the castle next time they show up! Okey doke I will I promise.” He nods seriously because he can’t think of a better response and at least the kids smart enough. He pats her on the head and she honest to god giggles, he wasn’t sure he heard someone giggle before so dang weird, and waves her off to do whatever weird pure hearted kids do after they got chased down by heartless. 

He goes back to patrol and tries not to think about how he’s going to explain the girl when she shows up one day running from little heartless bastards. Braig decides to put that in his things to worry about later section of thoughts.

Back on the regular guard patrol the rest of the day was uneventful and he wandered inside for dinner not expecting much else. After dinner when they are all lounging around as Even, Dilan and Aeleus are talking about notes on something and Ienzo and him are not so discreetly throwing paper balls from abandoned notes at each other and Ansem the Wise is quietly not throwing paper at the back of Ienzo’s head as well while he pretends to just be listening to Even’s comments on some sort of experiment and Dilan suddenly interrupts with something surprising. Or it should be but instead it just has him blinking slowly as his head does the this has happened before or you know this headache thing he gets now.

“Isa and Lea broke into the castle again. They keep trying to get to the lower rooms but we can’t tell what for, it’s like they're trying to find something.” Dilan frowned and looked at Aeleus who nodded along seriously. 

Braig frowns he thinks he remembers something, there was a girl that wasn't there or wouldn’t be there or never was. Or maybe not. His head hurt and he pressed a hand against his bad eye as if that would relieve the pressure before throwing another wadded up paper at Ienzo and ‘missing’ to hit Master Ansem.

“Hmm. Well just keep an eye on them, if they break in again just ensure they don’t get into anything that could harm them. Children are often led by their hearts so there must be a reason.”

“We shouldn’t indulge the behavior Master. It’s not exactly a good idea to encourage breaking and entering.” Even handed some more scrap pages to Ienzo and Braig snorted. Encouraging bad behavior indeed. 

“Give job, won’t break in.” Braig wrinkled his nose at his speech. He needed his brain to catch up with his thoughts here because caveman talk was starting to grate on his nerves. 

Master Ansem looked at him surprised so Braig tossed a paper ball at him which Dilan intervened and caught. He ended up throwing it back at Braig who just didn’t bother catching it and dramatically fell to the floor like he had been wounded. Ienzo dissolved into laughter at the overdramatic display and Braig grinned.

“Hmm. Well we could make the offer. It would at least make their exploring less intrusive and easier to monitor.” Even squawked on about more children and babysitting Ienzo and Braig was enough. Ienzo and Braig unloaded their paper balls at him in retaliation. 

The rest of the evening devolves into more science talk and paper ball fights till slowly they all excuse themselves to bed. Braig heads to his room at first but thinks about Isa and Lea and stops. With a put upon sigh he grabs a light and heads down to the lesser used levels. 

Some of the halls don’t have power still and a lot won’t, don’t, will never, now that they don’t intend to build more labs. It’s strange because it’s not how he remembers it but is exactly as it should be and his brain is fighting against the two versions of what is and isn’t. Headaches back with a vengeance. Braig wanders for a while to zero success until he thinks he hears a voice. He sees no one though so he goes back the way he came and still nothing. He does a circle and well he hears it again. It’s a girl for sure. She sounds confused but no one is there. Not physically at least. 

“Hello.” He waits and moves to leave when no response comes at first but then quiet and confused he hears it. 

‘hello’ 

He holds his light up higher and tries to ignore the panic seeping in at the shadows in the room and the fact that he can’t see this person in the dark. With a start though he realizes he feels a presence nearby. 

‘your scared, your heart is, it’s my fault.’

“No” 

‘it’s okay, i won’t hurt you, can’t even, there's nothing left.’

Braig looks around uncertainty and out of the corner of his eye he thinks he sees a star made of shimmering lights. But when he looks at it directly it’s gone.

‘it’s me. you must have a strong heart to see.’ He wants to protest but can’t find it in him too. 

“Can..I..Help..you?”

‘i don’t know, i was supposed to do something important but i no longer remember and can’t seem to leave, i can’t even remember my name, just that the place that was is gone, and my friends that were have left. like dandelions.’

“Okay...Your..only..heart...need...ride...to leave.” Braig really has to think about what to do next but this girl doesn’t feel like Luxu or the coot so he gestures to himself.

‘you are afraid of this, your heart is afraid.’ He shrugs as a response but doesn’t take back the offer.

‘you are very kind, i promise to sleep and will leave as soon as i can.’ Braig nods and tries not to panic as his chest suddenly feels strange and theres a familiar distinct presence of another will in his head. It’s not controlling or invasive like others and eventually the girl’s heart settles away quiet and dormant in his mind. He feels oddly calm suddenly and quietly takes his light and goes to bed. He does not have a nightmare.

[magioftheseas]

theory asker anon here yet again! sorry for bothering you about tsukasa again hh, but i do want to ask for some advice! im considering writing something for him, both for his human self and current self, but im not super duper sure on how to portray his personality. and how to make him both sympathetic and.... not?? i suppose?? aaa i hope this is understandable.

You’re not bothering me, anon. It’s okay.

Tsukasa is a weird character to write because by nature you’re going to have to extrapolate due to a lack of information. Basically, a reliance on headcanon and theories as to how and why he is the way that he is. This is the case with pretty much every character, mind you, because fanfic writers tend to portray characters in situations that haven’t been explored in canon, but the more unknown variables you have, the more strongly this becomes the case.

This can be a good thing and a bad thing, but we haven’t the time to go into that.

I can’t really tell you how to portray the character because y’know, I’m not an authority on that, but for me... It’s a matter of paying attention to a lot of his little quirks and expanding on them, and also just...a matter of preference.

My favorite things about Tsukasa is his childishness, his matter-of-fact and sometimes literal-minded view, and his easygoing nature. He’s a character of simple joys, and I find that precious. However, he can and will kill you if it either suits his fancy or if you get in his way. Sometimes this can be done playfully but, much scarier is when violence is just his instinct at someone getting in his way and he has a blank expression on his face when he does it. I feel like a lot of people miss out on that which is a shame because it, to me, is far more worrying behavior.

To me, Tsukasa’s character is one of intense and unsettling contrast. He’s very cute and small, but he’s also a ticking time bomb. What gets me is the uncertainty. He does things, yes, but he doesn’t always do things, y’know? He can just as easily decide against hurting a person even when his instinct is to do so as he can decide to hurt someone to accomplish a goal. That he’s capable is scary enough, but it’s in being fickle/unpredictable where the true intimidation factor lies.

What really gets my attention though is just how unusual his relationship with Hanako really is. Like a lot of people go the obsessive brother route but while Tsukasa is that, he’s not to the extent that fans portray. He doesn’t mind Nene, in fact he definitely likes her as opposed to his utter indifference towards Kou. He actually shares his brother’s fascination with stars to the point where he gets really excited when trying to show what he sees with Amane/Hanako. While undoubtedly fixated on Amane/Hanako, it’s...really weird and difficult to explain the nuances between that and usual obsessive sibling behavior. It exists but it’s not a driving force in his character. While his instinct is to cling to Amane/Hanako, he’s not possessive. It’s actually very rare that he actively seeks out Amane/Hanako. Pretty much the only time I can think of where he does that is his first proper appearance and in an old announcement post on AidaIro’s twitter that included Tsukasa demanding “Amane” for Christmas.

(From here, for the curious.)

(Translation: 'What do you want for Christmas?' 'AMANE' 'That's what I thought you'd say...' 'You have him? Do you!?')

When it comes to sympathy I don’t...really think about that. There is definitely a stink of tragedy around him, because the fact of the matter is that he was killed young by someone he was very close to and loved quite dearly. He had not only his future taken away, but any chance of physical maturation, making him permanently stunted. Regardless of the circumstances, Tsukasa had been betrayed in a really terrible way...and yet, he still adores his brother whole-heartedly. Rather disturbingly, he’s seemed to have categorized his death as a good thing due to how it provided Amane with a sense of release and that...makes me pretty sad in its implications.

I guess...I find him a very pure-hearted character, overall. Innocent, definitely. And what’s that Pokemon BW quote? “There’s nothing more beautiful and terrifying than innocence”? Yeah. Tsukasa’s definitely an example of that, and we still don’t even know if he’s a victim of manipulation or not.

I don’t think Tsukasa is inherently sympathetic. I think he should be, but he’s probably not. He lacks consideration and remorse, be it for others or even himself on occasion. A lot of his personality could be chalked up to lack of maturity in addition to a lack of empathy. He’s a child, and he has some of the worst traits a child could have. Not all of them. But some of them. And for some people, that’s more than enough reason to not care for him. And while I think several fandom assumptions/interpretations are wrong, it’s not my business how people feel. It still saddens me how people miss out on the nuances of his character in favor of a more straight-forwardly villainous approach. I feel like if you miss out on the nuances, you’re doing yourself a disservice.

Sometimes, it’s all about the little things!

As for his human self, we literally have no idea what human Tsukasa was like beyond the fact that he can do katanuki for hours and threw fits when interrupted. My personal favorite headcanon is that he was super rambunctious but isn’t like...y’know super terrible. He could be tactless and shitty at times, being a child, but I prefer the idea of those traits being far more magnified as a supernatural. Still a little feral, but he could’ve turned out fine-ish under better circumstances. Unfortunately those better circumstances never came.

Ahhhh, I just went off and I have no idea if any of this is helpful. I hope it is. :’>

[utopiannamjoon]

A Knight in Leather Armor Chapter 2; Heart on a sleeve

Genre: Angst, fluff, university au, biker au, enemies to lovers sort of thing

Pairing: Jeongguk x reader, Taehyung x reader

Major characters: Jeongguk, Taehyung, Yoongi, Jimin, OC

Warnings: Depictions of violence, swearing

Words: 6,3k

Synopsis of the serie: You had an uneventful life, you went to uni and wanted to get by with no trouble but that with was thrown out of the window when you run into a biker, literally smashing your face against him at the university. Everything is changed from that point forwards.

A/N: Polished version of this chapter for a better reading experience. Next chapter tomorrow

Masterlist in bio

Link for this series masterlist can be found the main masterlist in bio

~~

You awkwardly sat in your t-shirt and bikini bottoms on a boulder next to Jeongguk, cleaning him up from the blood, both his and Jack’s. His knuckles had opened from the other’s teeth, and you could see them swelling from brutal beating. Wounds and scars covering his hands from previous fights. You dipped a rag that Yoongi gave you in the lake and swiped it across Jeongguk’s arm, trying to wipe the dry blood away. His eyes were lost somewhere in the horizon, it was a cold gaze with no life behind his eyes. Left you wondering what was going through his mind.

Only when you moved to clean his face his head snapped at you, immediately making eye contact. Jeongguk didn’t blink the entire time you ran the small, stained cloth across his cheek, making you even more uncomfortable. Wasn’t it already enough you saw a bloodbath and had to clean up his godlike body from the aftermath? Half of the situation was something you could look forward to but the other half wasn’t. His veins pulsated on his arms and his toned abs tensed on every breath he took.

Jeongguk was said to be the leader, which he was considering the other members followed his movements before joining in on anything. It was Jeongguk who answered Jack and Mark first, and he was the first to move towards the shore, but aren’t leaders usually calm and cunning? Jeongguk was everything but. You thought Taehyung was the psychopath of the group, beating everyone he saw fit with a grin decorating his features. Clearly you were believing the wrong rumours, it was Jeongguk.

The way Yoongi yelled for Mark and Jack to leave told you that he was scared too. Taehyung roared at Jeongguk for not to kill Jack in that spot right there that still had a pool of blood. Thankfully they were able to drag him away, but the absolute rage in his eyes scared you. Those same eyes which are looking through you right now.

“You’re the first girl to ever stay after a fight,” He told you, still staring at you. He looked out for any reaction you might have, from a twitch of your eye to a shaky leg.

“Oh... Do you have a lot of girls over?” You asked quietly. You couldn’t help yourself, you were too curious. Which wasn’t a best trait to have right now since you’re probably touching a potential killer and cleaning the evidence of his violent behavior. Did Taehyung yell at him like that because they’ve witnessed something so horrible being done by his hands?

“Some,” Jeongguk said, finally looking away at the lake again. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding, his gaze was so intense.

“Taehyung has these ‘projects’. They’re girls, just like yourself. Sweet and innocent, nothing bad has ever happened to them. They are unable to protect themselves. They can’t stand up for themselves and need a protector. When they look at us they see some sort of fantasy, and get frightened away when they meet the reality of it all.” He explained calmly, but his voice grew more bitter on every word, “He makes friends so easily but can’t manage to keep them. It’s just a matter of time until you run away too.”

Jeongguk stood up and took the cloth you were rubbing on him out of your hand just to throw it forcefully to the ground. He simply just walked away leaving you there with your mouth open, looking where he was just sitting moments ago.

Taehyung picked up the cloth and sighed looking at you, “Don’t worry. He just has a little trouble controlling his feelings.”

“I’m not worrying about him,” You said, telling the truth. Jeongguk clearly didn’t have any difficulty protecting himself, “I’m just wondering if Jack’s okay.” Honestly you were scared if you just witnessed someone getting brain damage while you did nothing but watch it happen. The worst thing is that you couldn’t do anything to stop it, physically or mentally. You weren’t prepared, so you just watched it happen in front of your eyes.

“Do you know him?” Taehyung asked you as his eyebrow shot up.

“No,” You shook your head and he squinted at you suspiciously, “Mark basically had to drag him away, that’s all. Worried…” You trailed off.

“You know,” Taehyung started. He sat next to you fiddling the blemished cloth in his fingers, “This isn’t the first time we’ve fought them. They always lose but for some reason they just come begging for more.”

He folded it and set it next to him, ”Don’t worry about them. They’re just idiots with nothing better to do than to annoy others.”

You nodded, but that didn’t answer your question. He dodged it on purpose. Maybe he wasn’t sure either.

“I have to ask Yoongi about our bikes, if they were sabotaged or not,” Taehyung stood up with a deep groan and offered you his hand to hoist you up.

“Sure” You reached out to him and asked,” Why did Jack ask about Jeongguk’s father?”

He helped you up and froze for a moment thinking through it. He frowned at your question,

“We all have our demons and we all cope differently. Sometimes it’s better not to talk about them. His dad is a huge waste of air. So…It’s better if you don’t ask him about it. He is really sensitive when it comes to his dad and Jack likes to torment him about it. It’s the elephant in the room, we all pretend it’s not there.”

Taehyung pat your back and smiled before heading out to Yoongi. You followed close behind, passing the puddle of blood. You made the mistake of looking at it closely. It was dry on the edges and it had thickened in the middle with some lumps in it. Were those… teeth? You gagged and took quicker steps to get closer to the gang.

“So the bikes?” Taehyung asked and rubbed his hands anxiously together. There was no way out if the bikes were destroyed so badly that Yoongi couldn’t fix them on the spot, you were too deep in the woods. It would take hours to walk back.

“They were alright but their rat truck isn’t,” The shorter man said with a smirk, “I put a banana in their exhaust pipe. I bet it took a while for those dillholes to find the problem.”

”Good on yah,” Taehyung grinned like a proud parent.

“A banana,” You repeated. It didn’t make any sense to you, how would a piece of fruit destroy anything? Taehyung laughed at your confused face,

“It won’t start if there’s a banana in the exhaust pipe.”

“It just has to be removed, nothing else,” Yoongi added to sooth your fear of hurting the guys even more, “Those literal motherfuckers sure would’ve deserved more though.”

”They would’ve,” Taehyung agreed with a nod.

The guys gathered around their stuff and you pulled on your jeans and hoodie. You walked behind them back to the bikes. Mainly because you didn’t remember the way you came from, though the trail of blood Jack left on the flowers and bushes would’ve lead you there.

Jeongguk sat on his bike patiently waiting for you to arrive. His hand was settled on the tank and he ran his thumb on it in circles like it was an animal, his pet. Taehyung shoved his towel in a saddle bag before giving you his helmet. He caught the uncertainty in your gaze and he chuckled, coming to tie it up for you.

Jeongguk watched as Taehyung stepped closer to you, how he had to bent his knees to match your height, how close his face got to yours, and how your hands naturally grabbed his forearms when his big hands tied the helmet for you. How natural it looked.

“I’ve got a flat tire,” Jeongguk spoke up after Taehyung was finished with you, hands still on the helmet to shake it just a little to tease as you couldn’t hold your laughter.

“They must’ve punctured it while we were holding you back from commiting a fucking murder,” Yoongi complained and squatted next to the bike, “Yup, they’ve slashed it. Seems like an easy fix once we get it back to the club.”

“You should’ve just let me,” Jeongguk said underneath his breath, which Yoongi caught much to his surprise.

“And let you kill him? You’re a fucking idiot. You think you wouldn’t go to jail for that? So many close calls that one is gonna catch you eventually,” Yoongi yelled back at the younger man, “Stay here, I’m gonna get the truck and Taehyung is taking Y/n home.”

“As if I had another choice,” Jeongguk scoffed.

“Shut your mouth Jeongguk. This wouldn’t have happened if you could control your emotions and not beat him near death,” Yoongi pointed an accusing finger at Jeongguk to which he just rolled his eyes to.

Your eyes landed on Yoongi’s bike, the only one with one seat. Jeongguk’s and Taehyung’s bikes had two seats, for a purpose you supposed.

“Another demon,” Taehyung whispered into your ear as if he could read your thoughts. The more time you spend with the guys made up more questions than answered. Which was weird, you thought you’d learn about them but the mystery just kept growing.

Taehyung took you home in the chill night. He parked next to the curb and waited for you to get off.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” He said while looking at the ground, “It isn’t something I’m necessarily proud of. I just wanted to have fun with you and the guys.”

“Tae, it’s okay,” You told him and bit your lip trying not to smile, “It was kind of exhilarating. Scary- but exciting. I’ve never experienced anything like it. My heart is still beating like crazy”

“I hope this doesn’t scare you away though,” He said, looking back at you.

“It doesn’t,” You smiled, “I had fun despite what happened.” You did have fun, more fun than you’ve had in years… just if the beating didn’t happen.

“Good,” He grinned back and started his motorcycle. “Goodnight,” He yelled with an extravagant hand gesture as he drove off.

~

The next morning was normal, you barely even remembered that brutal beating that took place right in front of you. Maybe you just chose to forget it and block it out of your memory.

You woke up to your alarm clock and started to get ready for the day. Once it was time to leave for school you waited for Jimin outside of your house. You traced your eyes far along the road for him but his car was nowhere to be seen. You took a quick look at your phone for the time. He was late, he never is. What should you do now? He was always on time.

You shrugged and decided the next best option was to walk to uni. You’d be late for sure but Taehyung’s voice kept telling you to just take it easy. It’s okay if you’re late once.

You walked through the campus towards the main building, but you took a double take on the library. Again Taehyung’s voice rang in the back of your mind. You’re doing great in the class you’re late for so you could go and study something else… So you did against your better judgement. You changed your direction to the library.

Taehyung’s deep voice was constantly in your head, it left you thinking was it good to listen to him after all. It made you do things you normally wouldn’t. It always chose the option you wouldn’t go for.

You found a table between the tall bookshelves and set your stuff down. You opened your laptop and a book to study. But unfortunately it wasn’t long until your peace was disturbed.

”Studying here are yah? You have class, don’t you?”

You dragged your eyes away from your screen to see Jimin’s keen ones, all focused on you.

“I do but-”

“I see he has been teaching you bad manners,” Jimin interrupted you and leaned his arms on the table, getting closer to you, “I heard from a little bird that you hung out with them.”

You closed your laptop knowing you wouldn’t get any work done. You played coy, mainly because him confronting you made your heart jump, and you asked, “Who?”

“I thought I made it clear I didn’t want you to be around Taehyung and the other shit stains.”

You don’t know what it was. Was it Jimin’s domineering way of starting the conversation and not letting you have a word or how smugly he spoke. It was like he had you against the corner and you had no way to escape. Something broke in you, and just like that Tae’s voice was nowhere to be heard.

“I’m sorry,” You said, looking down at your lap, “Are Jack and Mark your friends?”

“Yup,” He simply stated. He leaned further on the table, so far that it forced you to look at him, “You didn’t think I wouldn’t find out, did you? That you can go fuck around with other guys and it wouldn’t come back to me? What would my friends say? That my girlfriend has her legs open for business? It doesn’t look good on me, does it?”

Your eyes grew wider with every word he spewed out of his mouth. How could he accuse you of cheating? You could never. Your lower lip quivered as you tried to speak, “I- I didn’t. I wouldn’t do anyth-.”

“I know.”

Jimin reached his hand over the table into your face. He pushed the stray hair behind your ear, “So be a good girl and don’t even look at their direction. You wouldn’t want to be labeled as something you aren’t.”

You nodded, to yourself mostly since he was already packing up your things and ordering you out.

“Let me walk you to your next class,” He said whilst grabbing your arm to pull you up. Again you just nodded.

Only two steps out of the library and the first thing you hear is yelling. Mostly curses and whimpers. Jimin tried to grasp any part of you to stop you from investigating the source of the sounds but he failed to react fast enough.

You leaned against the rail of the stairs, looking down you saw Jeongguk holding a fist full of Mark’s shirt.

“WHY. WOULD. YOU. DO. THAT?” Jeongguk shouted in between punches, seems like Jack isn’t going to be the only one with sparse teeth as Mark was getting his punched in.

A gasp escaped your lips when you realized why this was happening. Jeongguk’s motorcycle was laying on the ground on its side, and not just that. It had marks all over, maybe from rocks or from keying. You didn’t know how exactly they got there but it certainly was of Mark’s doings.

Jeongguk’s head snapped towards you from the sound you made, and to Jimin who was now standing next to you, leaning on the rail. The three men looked between each other, seemingly studying other’s next move.

Jeongguk put his both hands on Mark’s collar, and pulled him up. He pushed the other on the wall. “Did he tell you to do this?” Jeongguk demanded, nodding his head once in your general direction.

“Fuck,” Jimin said underneath his breath when Jeongguk motioned towards him. He leaned back from the rail, getting ready to leave the scene. “Let’s go.” He grabbed your arm.

You didn’t have a choice as Jimin dragged you away from the stairs to the main building, but you kept looking back. How did Jimin have to do anything with this?

You decided it wasn’t the best idea to ask him since the talk you just had. You’re gonna be a good girlfriend and not get in his way. A good girl would do what he says. A good girl doesn’t hang around other guys, like a common whore. A good girl is silent and obedient, something that you are not. Anymore. You been tainted by lowlife bikers. By bikers who are nothing, just a group of sore losers with no value.

The school day was finally over and you threw yourself on the bed. Oh how lectures can be exhausting. If it wasn’t the subject then it was the person speaking in front of the class, and the monotone voice that’ll lull anybody to sleep.

With a groan, you turned your head towards your desk and the helmet that rested on it. Taehyung forgot to take it back from you once he dropped you off, so you just set it on your table not knowing what to do with it.

You took the helmet in your hands and just stared at it. You didn’t know where he lived. You didn’t have his number. You rarely saw him at school. How are you supposed to return it? You didn’t want it to sit on your table until he just decides to show up to your house.

You turned the helmet around, praying that it had something written on it. Inside of the padding read an address. You weren’t sure if it was his address, maybe he bought the helmet second hand but finding out was more exhilarating than just sitting in your bedroom being surrounded by homework. You could finish it later, is what you told yourself.

You found yourself in front of a scruffy property. It was surrounded by a metal fence filled with holes and rust. You looked pass the opening to see a small building, probably a former auto repair shop, it had more garage door than anything else. It was in a bad condition from neglect and the years of erosion. At the left side of the building stood two motorcycles. A mat grey one, and a metallic black one with a distinct white side. You sighed from relief as you recognized the bikes; Yoongi’s and Taehyung’s.

With that knowledge you grew enough courage to step on the concrete yard, past the bikes, towards the open door.

You peeked in.

Jeongguk sat on a lounge chair that matched the condition of the building, it was raggedy and the insides were bursting out from the seams. The room was like a normal living room - but more battered. You knocked on the door frame disturbing his reading.

“Oh well, isn’t it Tae’s girlfriend- project,” He said with a sarcastic smirk when he looked up from the book.

“Huh?” Was the first thing that came out of your mouth. How offended should you be? Taehyung knew you’re taken. Did he go around and tell others you were dating? “I’m not his girlfriend. Did he tell you that I was?” You asked with more higher pitch than usual.

“Nope. Just could’ve fooled me,” He scoffed as he closed his book and set it aside, “He can’t shut his dumb mouth about you.”

“I’m with Jimin,” You quickly made sure to point out, and he didn’t look so happy about that.

“I know. Thought maybe you were two timing them,” He shrugged.

Jeongguk’s comment caught you so off guard that you forgot what you were here for. Thankfully the helmet in your hand reminded you.

“I’m here to give this back.” You stiffly raised the helmet to show him, “But I shouldn’t be here for long. Jimin doesn’t like when I’m with you guys.” He nodded and faced the door on his right,

“Taehyung, Jimin’s girlfriend is here to see you!”

You rolled your eyes. You couldn’t deal with this man. Why was he so against you?

Yoongi walked in from the garage part of the building. He scrubbed his black stained hands with a rag. “Jimin’s girlfriend? Who is her- Oh, Hi Y/n,” He said, seemingly surprised to see you there but he still smiled.

“Where’s Jimin’s girlfriend?” Yoongi continued with big eyes.

Jeongguk just lifted his hand in your direction, and Yoongi shook his head.

“No, not Y/n. The girl he was with at the party.”

“Yeah. That’s her.” Taehyung joined the conversation, coming from the garage as well, confused.

“No. The girl Jimin kissed at the party and then got bitch slapped. Then he walked downstairs to the backyard and -.”

Yoongi soon fell quiet when he realized what he was saying, he saw it from your face. It was like the world stopped from moving. Piercing pain went through your body as the words came out of his mouth. Jimin was rejected by someone else and that’s why he came to you at the party, because you’d give him what he wanted. This is why your boyfriend keeps accusing you, it’s because he is projecting. Five years gone in the drain because he can’t keep it in his pants.

“I really didn’t think I could hate him more,” Jeongguk said. You would’ve thought it was a joke to lighten up the mood but the way his jaw muscles clenched, and the serious and deep tone he said it with, told you otherwise.

Yoongi ordered Jeongguk up from the chair with few hand movements. With a hand rubbing your back, Taehyung lead you to sit down. He took the helmet you were squeezing and handed it to Jeongguk to put away.

Your gaze was cold and your eyes filled with tears. It hurt so much. Feelings of betrayal and deception flushed in. You weren’t good enough. You did everything he wanted but you weren’t good enough. You never would be good enough. Everything you tried wouldn’t reach the standard that he wanted. That he demanded.

Taehyung squatted down to stand on his knees so he could reach your eye level. He swiped a tear from your cheek, and told you in a soft voice, “He isn’t worth these tears. You’re so much better without him.”

“You know,” Jeongguk started as he sat on the table across from you, ”I hate to agree with Tae but he is right with this one.”

Yoongi just nodded from the corner of the room, he was unsure of what to do in this situation. All of them were. This isn’t how you treat others. Especially someone you claim to love.

“Doesn’t he tell you what to do? He is a little bitch.”

“Hey, Jeongguk?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

You pulled Taehyung closer from his shirt and just hugged him, tightly. He was the closest person you had right now and you needed someone to comfort you. He took a moment to wrap his arms around you and hold you close. You heard Jeongguk’s audible sigh as he left the room with Yoongi.

“I didn’t know she was with Jimin,” Yoongi said to Jeongguk when they turned the corner.

“If you had school you’d know.”

“Don’t get bratty with me kid or I’m throwing your bike off a cliff.”

“Fine,” Jeongguk raised his hands in a sign of defeat.

“If you two just had warned me about it, would’ve been great. They hate us already and you think her hanging out with us won’t annoy them even further? Your bike is in even bigger danger now.”

“Fuck, you’re right,” Jeongguk breath out.

You don’t know how long you were hugging Taehyung but you were thankful that he didn’t pull away, instead he let you sob on his shoulder and hold him as long as you needed.

You slowly began to unravel your arms around him, and he did the same. He looked at you with his glowy orbs to check if you’re fine. You avoided the eye contact, looking everywhere around him.

“Is- is that-” You mustered out, pointing towards the open door to the garage, finding a topic to get your mind off of Jimin.

“Jeongguk’s bike,” He said, “It got scratched up pretty bad and now Yoongi is trying to fix it. He is pissed about what happened to it.”

“Is it- another-” You managed to get through your silent sobs.

“Demon?” He guessed and you nodded, “No, not this time. Jeongguk just really fucking loves his bike.”

Taehyung stood up when you finally let your arms fall from around him. You dabbed the tears away from your rosy face and went to see the bike, Taehyung just right behind you.

The garage was full of motorcycle parts and different type of chemicals. Tools were neatly set hanging from the wall. Oil stains filling the floor. Your eyes wandered around the room in awe, this wasn’t what you imagined. It wasn’t a let down, quite the opposite.

“Yoongi fixes motorcycles for money, he is saving so he could go to a mechanical school,” Taehyung explained as you walked around the room.

“I know alot but I have a lot to learn,” Yoongi’s voice said from behind Jeongguk’s bike.

“He wants to own a repair shop one day,” Taehyung nudged you as if it was a secret.

“This is great,” You said, smiling through the pain, grasping on everything to not think of him, “How can you afford to keep this place?”

“We have a little side business,” Taehyung told you, rubbing the back of his neck.

“We sell weed,” Yoongi’s voice echoed again.

Your eyebrows shot up and you looked at Taehyung questionably. He grinned at you from underneath his brows, hair falling over his eyes.

“We don’t smoke, we just deal,” Taehyung tried to explain, hair swinging everywhere from the head shake, “It brings money, and makes all of this happen.” He said, waving his arm around the room.

“I knew you were bad boys but I didn’t know this bad,” You laughed and Taehyung sighed from relief that you didn’t curse him on the spot. It’s about time for you to let go and not be a tight ass. Who are you to judge them.

“Speaking of,” Jeongguk said, leaning his back on garage door, “Jack and Mark owe us some money.”

“But that’s a matter for another day, Jeongguk,” Yoongi said sternly, not even looking up at him.

“So Y/n if you’re gonna spend more time with us,” Yoongi finally presented himself to you two from behind the big motorcycle. He managed to get stains on his cheek and arms from the brief period of time he spend behind the bike, “You should get your own helmet.”

“Yeah let’s get you one with a simple lock instead of the strap. You’re smart but you’ll never learn how to tie it,” Taehyung teased and earned himself a smack on the arm by you to which he laughed as he held his arm.

~

”How about this one?” Taehyung handed you bright pink open faced helmet.

”Actually I had my eyes on that one. Good taste you have there,” You playfully winked.

”Oh really? I only offered because I thought you’d say no.” Taehyung grinned and took the helmet back from your hands and set it back on the rack, ”We’re gonna get you a full helmet though.”

”Why? Yours is open - and sometimes you drive without a helmet. What’s wrong with that?”

”Firstly if anything would happen it would keep your face intact,” He said and you grimaced at the idea. ”Secondly I’m a burly man. Disfiguration would make me more handsome.” He joked but the horrific undertone stayed. He was right after all, in a crash you can’t do anything but trust the gear you’ve got on and smashing your head face first on the ground didn’t sound appealing.

”Try this one,” He handed you a mat black helmet with purple details, and of course - it didn’t have straps but an easier snap on lock.

”It looks great but I can’t afford it.” You glanced at the price tag, turning it in your hand before handing it back.

”When I said ’we’ I meant me and the boys,” Taehyung said matter-of-factly and pushed the helmet back to you, ”You’re not gonna pay for shiz.” He stood there with his arms crossed, looking down you with his beautiful grin.

”You keep surprising everyday,” You told him with a small appreciating smile.

”Hey, let’s get you a mirror visor on it so you’d look even cooler when riding.”

”Tae, this is too much,” You whined back, but you were immensely thankful for him and the guys.

~

You sat on the edge of your bed looking at the brand new helmet, and your reflection from the visor. You were heartbroken but you couldn’t stop your lips from smiling. The simple helmet represented something you’ve never had; freedom and friendship. You couldn’t wait until you’ll see the guys again and what kind of adventure they’ll take you to next. Jimin was out of your mind already. He wasn’t filling your every thought. He wouldn’t. There wasn’t a knife stabbed deep in your back. You’re fine.

~

You showed up to the club house at Saturday evening with your helmet - just in case. You went in through the open garage door to say hello to Yoongi but he wasn’t there where you’d expect him to be. You followed the short but wide hallway into the ’living room’.

”Hi,” You said in a small voice as you peeked in.

”What’re you doing here— MOTHER OF GOD!”

Yoongi kicked Jeongguk in the shin as soon as he started talking. His tone was never soft, it was harsh at times. Often offending others, and hurting feelings. So Yoongi preferred him to keep quiet, and violence is the answer for that.

”Glad to have you back Y/h,” Yoongi smiled. ”You have great timing as we’re about have a movie night.”

”Yeah as soon as Taehyung shows up,” Jeongguk muttered while rubbing his sore leg over his sweatpants.

”He is renting the movie,” Yoongi said to you and then turned to Jeongguk to smack him again, ”Speaking of - Jeongguk it’s your turn to get the snacks.”

”Uhh…” He rubbed his neck with his other hand and pouted, funny how he was able to change himself into a cute but forgetful guy. Looking at him now you wouldn’t think he is capable of anything evil. ”I kinda forgot to buy them.”

Yoongi’s sigh was so deep that if he had done a facepalm instead he’d have a hole in his face.

”Y/n could you join Jeongguk?” Yoongi pleaded. ”This brat would forget his own head if it wasn’t attached to him. He needs an adult with him so he will buy snacks this time.”

“Sure,” You answered with a giggle and followed Jeongguk’s protesting steps.

The walk to the corner store went exactly as you imagined; really awkward. Jeongguk didn’t say a single word on his own. He just gave you one worded answers as you tried to make some conversation.

“So... What do we want?” Jeongguk asked more rhetorically than anything else, looking at the full shelves.

“Do you… Usually eat chips or popcorn?”

“Yup,” He nodded and you tilted your head. That’s not an answer to your question. He grabbed a packet of popcorn and three bags of chips, “We get both.”

“What?” He said when he turned to look at you and your judgemental face looking at the items in his lap, “We’re big dudes. We need to eat.”

“I didn’t say anything,” You told him with a sour face, following him to the register.

“Your face tells too much,” He quipped as he threw the items for the young, and probably high, cashier.

You bagged the items, and Jeongguk made sure to take the plastic bag from your hands without a word. He slipped his fingers next to yours and the bags fell out of your grip into his.

Okay, everything is going fine. He is talking to you. Though it’s more bickering- still a good start, You thought.

Avoiding the potholes on the sidewalk, you walked after Jeongguk and his long steps. You were just about to turn the corner when you heard someone calling your name. Your face dropped when you recognized your boyfriend’s voice. Oh no. You couldn’t face him, not today. Not now. Not ever. Jimin always turned up to ruin your day.

“Shouldn’t you be at home at this time,” Jimin said with one eyebrow shot high, looking at his brand new watch. He wouldn’t wear the one you picked as a christmas present.

“I-”

“I thought I told you to stay away from them. Mark saw you with Taehyung the other day.”

“Yes, but that’s becau-”

“I can’t believe you’d disrespect me like this Y/n,” He continued his monologue, hands on his side with a cocked head, “What will my peers think?”

“Why won’t you leave, Jimin?”

Jeongguk finally came back. It took him a moment to realize that you weren’t following him anymore, dropping the shopping bag when he heard Jimin’s voice just to run back where it came from.

“Oh! And you’re with this dipshit now,” Jimin laughed, stepping closer to Jeongguk and you too. Jeongguk’s face didn’t waver when he was insulted. It was like he didn’t care enough to be bothered.

“Just leave her alone, little man.” Jeongguk said, provoking Jimin on purpose, like usual. “You wouldn’t survive another fight with me.” Jimin stepped closer to him to point in his face. Having to look up, Jimin was way smaller, his shoulders weren’t as broad and his biceps were nothing compared to Jeongguk.

“Don’t start with me Jeon. I will me-”

You got in between the two men and pushed Jimin away since Jeongguk just stood there without moving a muscle.

“What?!” Jimin scoffed, being surprised of being butted away. “Is he your boyfriend now? You’re supposed to protect me not him.”

“I’m not protecting him. I know for a fact that he could beat the lights out of you.” The words left your mouth, surprising you as well as Jimin.

“You’re saying this because you’re fucking him,” Jimin stated, but he couldn’t be more wrong. “I knew you were up to something.”

“For a long time I believed you, Jimin. I thought there must be something wrong with me wanting to hang out with other guys. Even when they’re my friends.” You told him, your voice growing in volume.

“This one can’t be your friend.” He took another step towards you. This time so did Jeongguk, reaching his hand for Jimin arm but you laid your hand on his chest, stopping him in his tracks.

“It never came to my mind that you made me feel like shit because you were projecting,” You said calmly, trying not to open the flood gates however tears already found their way out. “You’re cheating on me. That’s why you accuse me of it.”

“If these fuckers told you that, they’re lying -”

You pressed your finger on Jimin lips, “The funny thing is that I’ve only known Bangtan for a fraction of the time I’ve known you. I’ve been with you for five years, or it would’ve been six next month. Yet I trust these guys more than I’ve ever trusted you.”

You sighed, looking up at the dark sky trying your best not to cry in front of him. He wasn’t worth your tears, he never was and never will be. “I gave you my heart and now you’ve stepped on it, broken it into pieces. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind,” You laughed at your own misfortune, “I never saw how much of a manipulative bitch you are.”

“Don’t say that. You don’t mean that. I know you Y/n. They’ve just talked you over because they have a vendetta against me,” Jimin tried to convince you with a creamy voice but you shook your head.

You took a long pause to look him in the eyes, “It’s over.” You could basically see the fumes from Jimin’s ears when those words left your mouth.

“You’re a cheating whore, aren’t you?” Jimin raised his voice, he couldn’t take rejection from anybody. “There’s no other choice Y/n. I know you better than anybody else does.”

“Fuck you, Jimin.” You said, grinning through your pain, enjoying his. You’ve confronted the lying bastard that made your life a living hell. The countless nights you’ve spent crying over his words. It’s all over. It hurts but it’s for the better. It’s finally your turn to hurt him.

“Fine! Go spread your legs to rest of them, you slut!”

You turned your heel and started to walk towards the club house, you had no time for Jimin and his insults. You couldn’t face him as you couldn’t hold the tears anymore.

This time Jeongguk followed you, picking up the shopping bag, he jogged after you. He laid his hand on your shoulder as he tried to say something, but you pushed him away.

“I don’t need your protection, not any of yours! I can handle myself!” You yelled at him, though your anger was directed at the wrong person. “You’ve only been rude to me this whole time! One asshole of a man is too many in my life!”

“Y/n -”

“No!” You continued your yelling, and pounded your fists on his torso as he tried to come closer, hurting yourself more than him.

You pushed him away but Jeongguk grabbed your hand and you crash landed on his chest. You tried to push him and wiggle your way out but his arms around you made you immobile. You shoved him with all the strength you had but he was stronger.

You stopped struggling when the tears started flowing. He moved his hand up to your head, to embrace you. You bawled in his shoulder in the pouring rain while he shushed your sadness away, trying his best to comfort you.

[zukadiary]

Ocean’s 11 ~ Cosmos Troupe 2019

Ocean’s was great! I loved it so much! I thought the previous two versions were fine, but never cared for either enough to go back and watch them again. Turns out if you adore every single person in the troupe putting it on, the ensemble cast makes it a home run. 

If I remember correctly, there are some noticeable differences between the Hoshigumi and Hanagumi versions. This was a slightly tweaked and polished Hanagumi version. The show does a great job of featuring a lot of people; nearly everyone gets something fun to do (it’s consequently not the best taidan for Akkii or Riku, but if it wasn’t their last I’d really say it’s good for everybody). The scenes change quickly (and flow a lot better than I remember), so even if a given person’s appearances are short they’re typically fairly frequent. I’m not terribly pleased that the prolific use of projections seems to be a continuing theme in Takarazuka, but Ocean’s actually used them WELL, and with all the hacking/security/surveillance going on, and the flashing lights and artificiality of Las Vegas, it actually makes sense. 

There are three (3!) major ad lib scenes that are different every day, something I didn’t realize ahead of time having only seen the previous versions on DVD:

Tess walking in on Benedict and his lackeys trying to physically threaten the Evergreen people into handing over the rights to their non-profit and Benedict having to lie about what they were doing

Saul giving everyone a pre-caper “acting lesson” in which Susshii says something ridiculous and the rest of the eleven have to remember it and mimic her in unison

Rusty pretending to be “Dr. Johnson” to cart Saul off after the fake heart attack that serves as a distraction during the actual heist (for those who can read Japanese, one brave twitter user is keeping track of all the Dr. Johnson ad libs)

...and these made me really look forward to seeing the show again and again. I probably could have gone every day and been thoroughly entertained. 

Danny Ocean is the most boring vanilla blank canvas of a character and requires the actress playing him to really bring everything herself. Fortunately, Makaze and her devastatingly attractive body could have stood in the corner in those open-necked suits without saying a word for 3 hours and I’d still have given it a 10/10. On top of that though, I thought she played him perfectly. Her sort of low-key coolness that for me has come off a bit stiff at times with some of her other top star stuff was spot on for Danny, who I fully believed was chill, aloof, and sexy enough to both pull off such an impossible robbery without a moment’s anxiety, AND stalk the woman trying to divorce him such that she was not only NOT immediately put off completely but also ultimately able to fall back in love with him. In the dream sequence that opens Act 2, when Makaze changes from serpent to prince and leaves the bouquet of flowers on Tess’s bed for her to accept whenever she’s ready, my heart clenched so bad I accidentally groaned audibly the first time I saw it. She also sang the best I’ve ever heard her sing. 

Madoka is a beautiful Tess, and above all else I was THRILLED that they finally let her have such a grown up role and that she slayed it. I had absolutely no doubt that she’d slay it; she’s a fantastic actress who as far as I can tell is only battling her round little face and height difference with Makaze when it comes to getting mature roles. But they styled her flawlessly and her dresses were to die for and she looked so fantastic I hope all concerned parties got the hint that this is fine. I want to see the two of them do something sizzling hot together (although I have to admit, dude chasing after his wife who wants so badly to divorce him IS a fun dynamic that we never really get to see in Takarazuka, unless they’re doing Ocean’s).  

I love Kiki more and more every time I see her, and while it’s hard not to be annoyed that she’s not a top star already, I will be so furious if they take her away from Soragumi; I absolutely love what they bring out of her. I think she and Makaze have a great dynamic together, and she was both cool and funny enough to make Rusty very enjoyable to watch. There wasn’t a single Dr. Johnson scene I saw that didn’t have me laughing out loud and wishing I had another ticket. One day I sat in B-seki with a group of students on a class trip, and one of them gasped すごい when she finished her finale-opening solo. Here’s a funny story from Makaze’s ochakai that I read on twitter: there is a duet between Danny and Rusty during which Rusty lights a cigarette, and apparently Koike wanted to modernize Ocean’s by giving him an IQOS instead. Makaze convinced him that was the worst idea ever and wants all Kiki fans to thank her personally.

MVP: Zun as Benedict. I suspect her interpretation might be polarizing once the world at large gets to see Ocean’s, but I loooooved it. Once upon a time there was a Japanese meme going around about what kind of date various prominent otokoyaku would bring you on, and Zun was pegged as a young, sweet, filthy rich kid who would reserve the entirety of Disneyland and then take you there. Her Benedict was like the evil version of that. I appreciated so much that she went a different direction than Beni and Daimon and played him as just a rich sleazy horrible asshole without the over-the-top comical bits—and she was STILL very funny, just as the straight man to everyone else’s ridiculous antics. She was so dark, so angry, and had such a scary glint in her eyes for such a cute little muffin; so impressively gross it was weird to see her smiling genuinely in the finale. And she’s a DAMN GOOD STAGE KISSER, astonishingly so for someone who’s yet to have a romantic lead outside of shinko and Bow Hall. I very much enjoyed her team as well—mostly Mitsuki Haruka as Taylor, Aishiro Moa as Beth, and Hoshizuki Rio as Charles, keeping things funny and chaotic. Kihou Kanata/Manase Mira were even hilarious as the bodyguards (Wakato Ritsu was a fine Bruiser, but IMO it’s pretty hard to beat Taso... and I felt a gaping hole where Fuuma Kakeru should have been).

Seiko could have carried this show by herself. For whatever reason—and I rewatched the Hanagumi version recently—I didn’t think Queen Diana, outside of being sassy, was as good of a role as it was (does the DVD fail to show a lot of her antics? Maybe. Was I doing a lousy job paying attention? Possibly). But no, Seiko was all over it, convincingly the biggest force in Vegas (and this cast). I am going to miss her so so so much. Akkii and Riku ended up with the more senior but less meaty roles of Frank and Basher respectively. While Frank is on the quieter side during most of the scenes with all the 11 except for his opening solo and arrest, I personally, for probably biased reasons, really enjoyed watching Akkii and Sora in the background, where Frank is very frequently trying to coerce Linus into getting over himself and just doing the thing already. I don’t know if this has been especially tough on Riku, but her eye bags have eye bags :( As much as I’m going to miss her, I hope she gets through this and takes a nice long rest. The Soragumi landscape is going to be so weird and different without these three. They come down for the parade together with Seiko in the middle and I got choked up every single time. 

I’m thrilled that Sora got Linus mostly from a rank standpoint; they announced Ocean’s before Aichan’s transfer to Senka and I was positive she was going to be Livingston. The role itself kind of unfortunately emphasized how tiny and behind she is in this troupe, but at the same time she was SO grumpy and SO cute. I feel bad taking pleasure in her angst but boy was she cute. She talked about how interesting it was to play someone who was struggling to overcome his own roadblocks, both as the only upperclassman to ever play this role, and also having just turned ken-10, where otokoyaku are supposed to “come of age” so to speak. And the frustration and uncertainty she put into the role was extremely palpable. As I’m used to her being a disembodied arm or a blurry image over someone’s shoulder on most DVDs, I couldn’t be happier that she finally has a whole solid handful of her very own scenes that I might actually be able to see not only in the theater. She’s closer to the middle when the otokoyaku dance too, AND she moved up a parade spot. I most definitely teared up when she came down the stairs featured between Rara and Mineri.

Moeko was SO CUTE as Livingston, and the scene where Rusty busts into Livingston’s place pretending to be an FBI agent was one of my favorites, along with the one where Danny comes to get the Malloy brothers and they mess with his face on the security camera. I’m so enamored with both Kotti and Yuuki Shion (Yuuki Shion dangerously so, YIKES; she’s like the awkward baby Sora I fell in love with reincarnated, plus she can do Komu-esque things with her legs and jump so astonishingly high). I will forever be obsessed with Susshii and how much joy and passion she pours into playing even the most crotchety old men. I don’t know what it IS about Rinkira that screams old man to the producers (other than that maybe they just need someone to do it), but I even liked her as Reuben, and Akine Hikaru as Yen a surprising amount. I always thought of Yen as a scary role that you don’t want your girl to get stuck with, and for someone prominent I guess it would be a bummer, but I don’t think I’ve ever noticed Akine Hikaru do much of anything before, so I was mostly just wide eyed at how acrobatic and good with a yo-yo she is. 

The finale is REAL good; Makaze is hot and a little sweaty and her hair is styled to make her look even sweatier. The top-star-in-a-harem-of-musumeyaku number is done in one of my favorite aesthetics, where the musumeyaku let their hair down (literally) no matter how intricately they were styled up to that point, and you can see the creases from their former pins and braids and it’s a little messy and loose and sexy which are all things I wish they’d let musumeyaku be more often, and Makaze is in the middle just like doing illegal things with her mouth and all that jazz. The otokoyaku dance is good too, and the duet dance is cute as shit (there’s a part where Makaze like boops Madoka’s nose and then Madoka pushes her like ~stop that~ and ugh). 

And speaking of ugh, the end of Act 1 where all 11 of them turn around and saunter toward the back of their stage after formulating their flawless plan put my stomach in knots, both for the sheer swagger and the overflowing love I feel for this lineup of this troupe. I know I’ve been saying this for like two years and it STILL hasn’t happened on the scale I’ve been expecting, but I can feel the transfers coming and I’m scared. 

[pizzahorse]

Better To Have Loved

Title: Better To Have Loved

Fandom: Tangled: The Series

Description: Rapunzel and Cassandra have a much needed heart to heart after the events caused by the Wand of Forgetting.

[Read on AO3]

"Do you think if you had found me in the tower instead of Eugene, I would have fallen in love with you?"

Cassandra had been keeping first watch again. She heard everyone go off to bed, and assumed Rapunzel had joined them, until she appeared next to her. Her legs were curled up to her chest, and the princess was uncharacteristically silent. Cassandra theorized Rapunzel probably had a nightmare shortly after falling asleep, and just wanted some company until she grew tired again. They'd frequently gone through a similar routine at the castle, before they set off to follow the Black Rocks. The quietness normally suited Cassandra, but with Rapunzel around, it felt a little weird. Her question several minutes later did not make things any less weird.

"Anything is possible, Raps," she replied, trying to appear nonchalant despite the fact that she had wished more times than she could count that she had been the one to rescue Rapunzel.

"So you do think we could have-"

"Yeah, maybe. I don't know," This really wasn't a discussion she wanted to have, especially not after she had gotten a glimpse of an alternate reality where her secret dream came true.

"Do you think it's too late for us to?"

"What?"

"Fall in love."

Cassandra whipped around, heart fluttering in her chest as she tried to process what she had just heard. She must have fallen asleep while on watch. This was all a dream. Just another fantasy her subconscious had conjured. Wake up, wake up, wake up! her brain yelled, as her gaze settled on the princess. Her chin was nestled into her knees as she stared out at the forest. She looked gorgeous in the moonlight. She looked gorgeous in the sunlight, too. Cassandra shook her head, trying to clear it of delusional thoughts. Rapunzel was always curious about the world around her, and this was probably just another passing fancy that she simply wanted to explore.

"What about Eugene?" The reminder of Rapunzel's current romantic and nearly betrothed partner helped steady Cassandra's nerves and bring her back down to Earth.

Rapunzel stretched out her legs, letting them dangle towards the ground. Her hands fidgeted in her lap for a moment, before her fingers moved to trace patterns in the smooth rock where they were both perched. "Ever since you used the Wand of Forgetting on me, everything's been really confusing. Eugene was the first person I can ever remember meeting, besides Moth- Gothel. But now I have memories of you being the first person I ever met. Experiencing the world for the first time, not with Eugene, but with you.

"Everything was so frightening. Seeing a world outside my tower for the first time. But you were there, and your smile was so warm and comforting, I didn't feel like I had to be afraid. Even though I had no idea where I was or what danger lay ahead, I knew you would take care of and protect me. You made it not so scary," Rapunzel offered up one of her not-so-rare smiles, thinking of the alternate memories of her first taste of freedom.

"I know you aren't normally very affectionate, but I distinctly remember you letting me lean up against you by the campfire, without protest. And I felt the same feelings I first felt with Eugene coming to the surface every time I looked at you. I thought about how nice it was to talk to and bond with another person. You looked so beautiful under the starlight, right before I figured out you were taking me the wrong way."

"Raps, I am far from beautiful," Cassandra smiled wanly, "But I appreciate the sentiment. I'm sure anyone looks good when you've been cooped up with Gothel all your life," the small hint of positive emotion left as her face fell. "I'm still so sorry I cast that spell on you. You didn't deserve to relive all that fear and uncertainty again. I try so hard to protect you, and I was the one who put you in danger. I put this entire mission in jeopardy, because I let my emotions get the best of me," she growled as she balled her good hand into a fist, still beating herself up over her mistake.

"Would it be bad if I said I think I'm glad it happened?"

"What? Why?"

"Because it helped me realize I've always thought you were beautiful, Cass," the princess ignored her friend's previous denial, "but I just thought it was in the way one girl can appreciate another girl who is attractive. Since the memory incident, I've been wondering... If you had found me first, why couldn't it have been you I fell in love with? Random chance brought Eugene to the tower, and it could have just as easily led you there. How would my life- our lives- be different?

"At first, I thought the feeling would go away. I know I'm not going to forget what happened, but it isn't reality. It's how things could have happened, not the way they did happen. But they... did happen, in some way. I was there and you were there. You're always there for me, Cass.

"Even though you didn't find me in the tower, you did find me in the castle. You found me in your own way. You were my first best friend. Every time I look into my future, I see you right by my side. I can't imagine going a day without seeing you, without spending time with you. I don't just want you by my side, I want you by my side. Close to me, like-" Rapunzel blew a puff of air at some stray hair, knocking it out of her eyes. It seemed to be an excuse not to finish her previous train of thought.

Cassandra felt dizzy. Rapunzel was typically very upfront about her feelings, and though Cass was getting most of the gist, the princess was being unusually dodgy about what she was trying to say. Normally honest, never-wanting-to-keep-a-secret Rapunzel would spout exactly what she was thinking, often without prompting. This whole being cryptic and analytical thing was new.

And it was confusing for Cassandra too, because it wasn't like she had never thought about the princess in… more intimate ways. No one could guess that behind her cool and collected exterior, her interior was soft and mushy for one golden-haired lady. Not that Cassandra ever thought she'd have a chance to express those feelings. Rapunzel was very happy with Eugene, and someday they'd be married and have children and Cassandra would fade out of the picture. Probably go and make her own life. Hopefully get over her feelings and find some other woman to settle down with. Heartache was a normal and necessary part of life, and Cassandra had accepted long ago that her heart would always ache for Rapunzel, but never find respite.

"That's when I realized maybe the feeling isn't going away because it's always been here," Rapunzel's voice cut through Cassandra's inner turmoil. "Maybe it just took me awhile to understand it. Maybe getting Eugene out of my head and my life for a minute opened me up to new possibilities. Possibilities I had never considered."

"So you've been thinking a lot?" was all Cassandra could muster. As if it wasn't obvious by the volume of words Rapunzel had just spilled out. She really couldn't think of anything better to say. This, whatever this was, was really happening. Rapunzel was, more or less, confessing her feelings for Cassandra, romantic feelings, in the most roundabout way possible. If her confession was genuine, where did that leave Eugene? Cassandra certainly wasn't his biggest fan, which was obvious to everyone, but she would never hope for any permanent damage- physical or emotional- to befall him.

Rapunzel nodded, glancing up to see her friend staring down at her. Even when Cass tried to remain stoic, she could always catch a glimpse of concern behind those hazel eyes whenever she looked at her. If Rapunzel thought about it, Cassandra didn't look at anyone else in the same way. She had previously chalked it up to Cass being her best friend, but now...

"You were the first real friend I made in Corona, and you've been by my side almost as long as Eugene has. You've helped me on this journey just as much, if not more. You helped me adjust to royal life, you were there to answer all my questions and show me around and teach me all there was to know about the world. You helped me over the last several months to stop believing in the lies Gothel told me all my life.

"You didn't have to do any of that. You weren't even required to join me in following the Black Rocks, but you did. I am so grateful to have you here, and I don't think I've properly told you how much it means to have you with me. How much it means to me that you're in my life. You always have my back and I always want to have yours.

"I'm really glad to hear you say that, Raps," Cassandra turned, offering the princess a smile. "I was starting to think-"

No. No. This was all wrong. Cassandra was not a feelings person. Actually, she did have a lot of feelings, but those feelings stayed locked up inside and never saw the light of day. Especially not her feelings for the long lost princess of Corona, Rapunzel. She had a job to do, a duty to her kingdom and her country. She came on this journey to protect the princess, because protecting her meant protecting Corona's future. She was a soldier on a mission, nothing more. She just had to keep telling herself that until she believed it.

"Starting to think what?" Rapunzel prodded.

Cassandra recalled the mess she'd made the last time she'd told Rapunzel to forget about something. The super recent last time that was currently the topic of their conversation. She knew all too well Raps wasn't one to let things go. If she didn't talk now, it'd be non-stop nagging until she did. And Cassandra certainly didn't want another accident happening on account of her hiding things from the princess. Also, she couldn't say no to Raps' inquisitive puppy-dog eyes.

"I was starting to think you only see me as a servant."

"What? Cass, that's not true! Is this- Did Eugene say something? I know you two argue but if he told you that, that's crossing a line!"

Cassandra hesitated. Rapunzel had made her stance clear about a certain guide who had helped them through the Forest of No Return and the Great Tree. Their friendship, if there was anything left of it, was already on rocky ground after this latest incident. Speaking ill of someone Raps trusted could cause more irreparable damage. But what did she have to lose?

"Adira said something. At the Great Tree. And after you started listening to her and you started ignoring me, I thought maybe I'd made our friendship out to be more than it actually was. I am your lady-in-waiting. I am here to serve you and obey your commands. She just put me in my place. I tried to prove her wrong, to prove I meant something to you and that you trusted me over some stranger. But you proved me wrong instead. You trusted Adira, you put yourself at risk, you didn't let me protect you. I just wanted-" Cassandra bit her lip to keep it from quivering, pushing down the small spark of emotion that was threatening to show itself, "It doesn't matter what I want. This journey is about you and your destiny and I need to be better at listening to orders," she briefly considered getting up right then and there and going for a walk, but a hand grasping at the crook of her elbow made her pause.

"I know you don't like Adira, and she's not very fond of you either. But out here, we need all the help we can get, and as few enemies as possible," Rapunzel trailed her hand down to grab Cassandra's tightly, "Cass, all the decisions I've made out here have been hard. All of your lives are in MY hands. You are all out here, because of ME. Away from your homes and your families, and there's a chance none of us make it back. If anything happens to you, any of you, but especially you, I am responsible. I decided to take this crazy journey and I didn't ask anyone else to come with me, but you did. I don't know how I would have made it this far without you, but it's still terrifying to think that at any moment, something bad could happen. That's why I used the decay spell. Everyone was in danger and I was panicking and I did what I thought was the right thing to do. We are so close to reaching the Dark Kingdom, and I can't let anything happen to anyone. Even if something happens to me, as long as you all make it home safe, that's all that matters."

She was crying now, ever unabashed at wearing her heart on her sleeve. One hand scrubbed furiously at her eyes while the other squeezed Cass' hand ever tighter. Cassandra glanced back at the camp to make sure no one else had woken up, then pulled Rapunzel in close to her chest. Her friend- her princess- needed her now. The same way she'd needed her at the castle when she was overwhelmed with her duties as royalty or when she had nightmares.

"Raps, I know this is stressful for all of us. But we're going to get through it. We're ALL going home. I'll make sure of it," she held Rapunzel a little closer for emphasis.

"Cass," Rapunzel sniffled, once she had calmed herself enough to talk again, "I need you to know how much you mean to me. I need you to know if you found me before Eugene did, I would have fallen in love with you first. I need you to know I'm in love with you now. It just took a little push for me to realize it. You mean so much more to me than I could possibly say with words, and you know I can say a lot of words. You always have. I'm just stupid."

"You're not stupid!" It baffled Cassandra how such a glamourous ray of sunshine could get such a dark cloud over her head. "I'm stupid! I'm the one who cast the forgetting spell and started all this in the first place. I'm the one who fell in love with you. I go above and beyond my duties to you, not because I'm your servant, but because I want to share as many moments as I can with you. Someday, you'll marry Eugene, because you love him, and there won't be room for me in your life anymore."

"Cass, that's not-"

"I want you to be happy. I really do. But watching the two of you have the life I wish could have with you, would be torture. Love is torture, Raps. It's this parasitic thing that worms its way into your brain and then it consumes your heart and makes all your thoughts and hopes and dreams revolve around one person. Even if they're a person you can never have. Stupid, right?"

"No! Not stupid!" Rapunzel pushed away, hands splayed against Cassandra's armor. "Cass, your feelings matter-"

"You just think they matter because of the spell," Cassandra pulled Rapunzel's hands away from her chest and nested them in her friend's lap before letting them go. "You're. In love. With Eugene. Coming between you two wouldn't be right of me."

Rapunzel scooted across the rock, putting distance between them. "What if you're not the one that comes between Eugene and me? What if I'm the one?"

"Raps, what are you saying?"

"Everybody says he loves me, and I think he does care about me. Sometimes I just wonder if he mostly loves the idea of me. If he loves the idea of becoming a prince and someday the king and never having to worry about food or shelter again. He had a hard life. Then he rescued me, and now he has the undying gratitude of all of Corona. And he deserves all of that! But he can have most of it without being married to me.

"Eugene has his own life, his own friends. He had a life before he met me and he still lives it. Which is, not to say you didn't or don't have a life, you're just… always there, with me. You're always the one that offers to come with me when I want to explore or look for supplies or if we get trapped somewhere. You're always willing to risk your life for me. Eugene has been so indispensable on our journey, and I know he'd do the same if I asked, but with you, I don't ever have to ask.

"And that's… he loves me in his own way and that's okay. It doesn't mean he loves me any less because he lets me have my independence and take care of myself. But sometimes, he gives me a little too much freedom. Sometimes it feels like we're so distant, we're drifting apart."

"So you've fallen out of love a little," Cassandra had managed to beat back any affection she had been feeling, and was now focused on helping Rapunzel with an apparent relationship problem. "You just need to reignite the spark. I'm sure this journey has been difficult for you two without having any privacy. But when you get home, everything can go back to normal."

"That's just it. What if I don't want the spark to reignite? What if I want to start a new spark?"

"Rapsl, that's crazy. You and Eugene-"

"Cass, I am not crazy. I've been reflecting a lot on what has happened in my life. Where I've been. Where I'm going. Who I'm taking with me. Not just to the Dark Kingdom, but to my future. My future where I'm queen and I'm responsible for all of Corona and I have someone by my side ruling with me. Who that could be.

"I thought you always wanted to be close by because we're friends and we care about each other. Of course we care about each other. But I started to wonder if things had turned out differently, with the tower and everything, if maybe I would care about you… more. In the way I cared- care- about Eugene.

"Part of me feels like maybe I just got caught up in everything. Having my freedom, meeting another person, discovering the world. Maybe I rushed into things. I keep telling Eugene I'm not ready to marry him, and I tell myself I will be someday. But in all honesty, I can never see myself being ready. I like what I have with Eugene, but maybe I'd like it more if the things I share with him were shared with someone else instead.

"Another part of me feels like I owe him. He rescued me, he saved me, and he reunited me with my family. I should be- I am- grateful for that. I make him happy, and he makes me happy, but I'm worried the ways we make each other happy are no longer the same. I don't want to hurt him after everything he's done for me, for my family, for Corona. I don't know what to do, Cass. I don't think it's as simple as falling out of love temporarily. What if I'm falling out of love with him forever?"

"This is really bothering you, huh?"

Rapunzel nodded, fresh liquid gathering at the corners of her eyes.

Cassandra sighed heavily. She really hadn't expected to be playing comforter or therapist or whatever this was. But here she was, and here Rapunzel was, and here they both were. Spilling their guts out into the night air. Moreso Raps than herself. So maybe it was time to divulge a long-kept secret.

"I have to be honest, I can't say I haven't thought about it. How things could have been if I'd gotten to you first. I've thought about it for a long time, actually. Way before I accidentally cast a spell on you, and way before we even started this journey. I've thought about what it would have been like if I had found you instead of Eugene. I got a glimpse of that, and it was so nice to be so close to you. You were so vulnerable and I wanted nothing more than to protect you. Sometimes it feels like you don't need me at all. But if I'd been there, in the beginning, maybe you'd always feel like you needed me. The way you feel like you need Eugene. And I could always be by your side, protecting you."

"That does sound nice."

The moonlight made it hard to tell, but Cassandra could swear she saw Rapunzel blushing. Time to backpedal. "Yeah, well, we all think about things that will never be reality, Raps. It's not a big deal," she shrugged.

"Cass, your hopes and dreams are a big deal to me! Especially if they involve me. I think about you all the time, but I guess I've been so wrapped up in getting to know my mom and dad and the coronation and figuring out this whole princess thing that I've never considered you might see me as more than a friend. Or that I might feel the same way. Everything is so complicated and overwhelming and on the days when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind, just having you there helps me take a step back and breath. It's like everything feels like it's going to be okay, as long as you're there.

"Eugene is adventurous and I like adventure, but I can't always predict what he's going to do. He proposed to me in front of my parents, and you, and all of the royals in town for the coronation. Maybe he thought I would be ready, and I'm sure a lot of other girls would have enjoyed such a public proposal, but that's not me. And even though it's only been a few months, he almost proposed again during our travels. Maybe he thought I'd say yes if it wasn't in front of as many people. Maybe he's ready to get married and I'm not. He is older and he's had time to get his fill of the world, while my life is just beginning. He's ready to settle down. He is content to lounge in the castle most of the time while I'd rather be out beyond the walls of Corona. I want him to be able to have that relaxed, worry free life. I want him to be happy."

"You deserve to be happy too, Raps. I know you love Eugene and I want you to be happy. I wouldn't wish to take that happiness away from you. No matter what I want, this is your life. And I can't change- I mean, there are a lot of mythical artifacts in the world and I'm sure if I really wanted to I could change who found you first but- that wouldn't be right. Everything played out like it did for a reason. You're happy with Eugene, and taking that away because of my own selfish feelings… Even if you would never know, I would. I'd know what I stole from you. You love him, and he loves you, and I am learning to be okay with that. I don't like him, but I lov- like you. At the end of the day, I just want what's best for you. Even if I'm not what's best for you."

"But you are what's best for me, Cass. I care for you, just as much as I do for Eugene. Maybe more. And that's what I'm worried about. I'm- I'm not worried about caring for you, I'm worried about not caring for Eugene… anymore."

"Oh," Rapunzel's resistance was finally starting to settle in, "You're really serious about this. You're like, sure, sure?"

Rapunzel grasped the fabric of her dress in her hands, playing with it nervously. "I know this all feels like it's happening because of the spell, but it's not. I'm not sure, but I'm almost sure, but I-"

"Don't want to compromise the mission."

"Right," Rapunzel exhaled slowly, like a weight had been lifted off of her chest and she was finally able to breath again.

"I know he can be immature at times. But, he's old enough that he should be able to respect the decisions you make about your life. You said it yourself, he has his own life to live. At least talk with him. You leaving him is like a fantasy come true for me, but that doesn't mean I want there to be any bad blood between him or any of your friends. And I don't want you to make the wrong decision because you're feeling pressured. This is about your life, and your happiness. No one else's."

"But deciding to maybe, possibly, break- not be together anymore, affects him too."

"Staying together is clearly affecting you."

"I know, I know. But I had to be honest with you about what I'm feeling. I've always been able to confide in you and trust you. I want to keep doing that forever. Ha, I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record I just… I want you to know that what I feel for you is real. And I'm glad you opened up about your feelings, too. I know that's difficult for you, and I know it means you trust me more than I could ever comprehend. Please don't say anything to Eugene. I'm still trying to work things out and process them. But more importantly, I don't want to mess anything up before we reach the Dark Kingdom."

"You know this mission is my top priority. I'm not about to do anything to compromise it."

"Thank you. I knew I could trust you."

Rapunzel looked towards the camp and yawned, sleep calling her back to her bed. Traveling was draining enough, and now on top of it she was dealing with emotional exhaustion. The fate of Corona rested on her shoulders, but the burden was easier to bear knowing she wasn't alone. She moved to stand, but just before she did, she leaned over to plant a tender kiss against Cassandra's cheek.

"Thank you for listening."

Cassandra's hand brushed her face where her friend's lips had just been. She smiled sheepishly, ducking her head to try to hide her blush. There were few things in life that could get her flustered, and affection from Rapunzel topped the list.

"Any time, Raps. I could listen to you all day."

The golden-haired princess smiled and nodded, tucking back a stray hair behind her ear. She rocked on the balls of her feet, heart still heavy with words left unsaid, but body too tired to allow her to express them tonight. "Well, goodnight," she lingered a moment longer, taking in the vision of the other woman under the light of the night sky.

"Night, Raps."

It wasn't long before Cassandra found herself alone again. She let out a heavy sigh, almost like she'd been holding her breath the whole time. She was still trying to convince herself that the entire conversation she'd just had wasn't some kind of dream. Rapunzel- Rapunzel- was in love with her! Rapunzel wanted her. Rapunzel chose her! Sure, there were probably more ideal times for her to reveal such information, but at least she wasn't like Cassandra and was able to openly discuss her feelings.

She touched the space on her cheek again where Rapunzel had made contact. Yep, this felt real. No dreams, no weird spells, no wild imaginings. Raps had really beat her to the punch with her confession. Not that Cassandra had ever had any intention of revealing her feelings about the princess. But with her friend so unsure and confused, it felt unfair for her to be the only one sharing.

Well, I certainly won't have trouble keeping watch tonight, Cass thought. Her mind and her heart were both racing, head filled with visions of a potential future with Rapunzel. Those thoughts came often, especially on these lonely watches, but tonight, they were more vivid than ever. There was still no guarantee things would work out, and Cassandra knew better than to get her hopes up. Still, she couldn't stop herself from thinking,

Wow. Dreams do come true.

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[tangledcassandra]

Better To Have Loved

Title: Better To Have Loved

Description: Rapunzel and Cassandra have a much needed heart to heart after the events caused by the Wand of Forgetting.

[Read on AO3]

"Do you think if you had found me in the tower instead of Eugene, I would have fallen in love with you?"

Cassandra had been keeping first watch again. She heard everyone go off to bed, and assumed Rapunzel had joined them, until she appeared next to her. Her legs were curled up to her chest, and the princess was uncharacteristically silent. Cassandra theorized Rapunzel probably had a nightmare shortly after falling asleep, and just wanted some company until she grew tired again. They'd frequently gone through a similar routine at the castle, before they set off to follow the Black Rocks. The quietness normally suited Cassandra, but with Rapunzel around, it felt a little weird. Her question several minutes later did not make things any less weird.

"Anything is possible, Raps," she replied, trying to appear nonchalant despite the fact that she had wished more times than she could count that she had been the one to rescue Rapunzel.

"So you do think we could have-"

"Yeah, maybe. I don't know," This really wasn't a discussion she wanted to have, especially not after she had gotten a glimpse of an alternate reality where her secret dream came true.

"Do you think it's too late for us to?"

"What?"

"Fall in love."

Cassandra whipped around, heart fluttering in her chest as she tried to process what she had just heard. She must have fallen asleep while on watch. This was all a dream. Just another fantasy her subconscious had conjured. Wake up, wake up, wake up! her brain yelled, as her gaze settled on the princess. Her chin was nestled into her knees as she stared out at the forest. She looked gorgeous in the moonlight. She looked gorgeous in the sunlight, too. Cassandra shook her head, trying to clear it of delusional thoughts. Rapunzel was always curious about the world around her, and this was probably just another passing fancy that she simply wanted to explore.

"What about Eugene?" The reminder of Rapunzel's current romantic and nearly betrothed partner helped steady Cassandra's nerves and bring her back down to Earth.

Rapunzel stretched out her legs, letting them dangle towards the ground. Her hands fidgeted in her lap for a moment, before her fingers moved to trace patterns in the smooth rock where they were both perched. "Ever since you used the Wand of Forgetting on me, everything's been really confusing. Eugene was the first person I can ever remember meeting, besides Moth- Gothel. But now I have memories of you being the first person I ever met. Experiencing the world for the first time, not with Eugene, but with you.

"Everything was so frightening. Seeing a world outside my tower for the first time. But you were there, and your smile was so warm and comforting, I didn't feel like I had to be afraid. Even though I had no idea where I was or what danger lay ahead, I knew you would take care of and protect me. You made it not so scary," Rapunzel offered up one of her not-so-rare smiles, thinking of the alternate memories of her first taste of freedom.

"I know you aren't normally very affectionate, but I distinctly remember you letting me lean up against you by the campfire, without protest. And I felt the same feelings I first felt with Eugene coming to the surface every time I looked at you. I thought about how nice it was to talk to and bond with another person. You looked so beautiful under the starlight, right before I figured out you were taking me the wrong way."

"Raps, I am far from beautiful," Cassandra smiled wanly, "But I appreciate the sentiment. I'm sure anyone looks good when you've been cooped up with Gothel all your life," the small hint of positive emotion left as her face fell. "I'm still so sorry I cast that spell on you. You didn't deserve to relive all that fear and uncertainty again. I try so hard to protect you, and I was the one who put you in danger. I put this entire mission in jeopardy, because I let my emotions get the best of me," she growled as she balled her good hand into a fist, still beating herself up over her mistake.

"Would it be bad if I said I think I'm glad it happened?"

"What? Why?"

"Because it helped me realize I've always thought you were beautiful, Cass," the princess ignored her friend's previous denial, "but I just thought it was in the way one girl can appreciate another girl who is attractive. Since the memory incident, I've been wondering... If you had found me first, why couldn't it have been you I fell in love with? Random chance brought Eugene to the tower, and it could have just as easily led you there. How would my life- our lives- be different?

"At first, I thought the feeling would go away. I know I'm not going to forget what happened, but it isn't reality. It's how things could have happened, not the way they did happen. But they... did happen, in some way. I was there and you were there. You're always there for me, Cass.

"Even though you didn't find me in the tower, you did find me in the castle. You found me in your own way. You were my first best friend. Every time I look into my future, I see you right by my side. I can't imagine going a day without seeing you, without spending time with you. I don't just want you by my side, I want you by my side. Close to me, like-" Rapunzel blew a puff of air at some stray hair, knocking it out of her eyes. It seemed to be an excuse not to finish her previous train of thought.

Cassandra felt dizzy. Rapunzel was typically very upfront about her feelings, and though Cass was getting most of the gist, the princess was being unusually dodgy about what she was trying to say. Normally honest, never-wanting-to-keep-a-secret Rapunzel would spout exactly what she was thinking, often without prompting. This whole being cryptic and analytical thing was new.

And it was confusing for Cassandra too, because it wasn't like she had never thought about the princess in… more intimate ways. No one could guess that behind her cool and collected exterior, her interior was soft and mushy for one golden-haired lady. Not that Cassandra ever thought she'd have a chance to express those feelings. Rapunzel was very happy with Eugene, and someday they'd be married and have children and Cassandra would fade out of the picture. Probably go and make her own life. Hopefully get over her feelings and find some other woman to settle down with. Heartache was a normal and necessary part of life, and Cassandra had accepted long ago that her heart would always ache for Rapunzel, but never find respite.

"That's when I realized maybe the feeling isn't going away because it's always been here," Rapunzel's voice cut through Cassandra's inner turmoil. "Maybe it just took me awhile to understand it. Maybe getting Eugene out of my head and my life for a minute opened me up to new possibilities. Possibilities I had never considered."

"So you've been thinking a lot?" was all Cassandra could muster. As if it wasn't obvious by the volume of words Rapunzel had just spilled out. She really couldn't think of anything better to say. This, whatever this was, was really happening. Rapunzel was, more or less, confessing her feelings for Cassandra, romantic feelings, in the most roundabout way possible. If her confession was genuine, where did that leave Eugene? Cassandra certainly wasn't his biggest fan, which was obvious to everyone, but she would never hope for any permanent damage- physical or emotional- to befall him.

Rapunzel nodded, glancing up to see her friend staring down at her. Even when Cass tried to remain stoic, she could always catch a glimpse of concern behind those hazel eyes whenever she looked at her. If Rapunzel thought about it, Cassandra didn't look at anyone else in the same way. She had previously chalked it up to Cass being her best friend, but now...

"You were the first real friend I made in Corona, and you've been by my side almost as long as Eugene has. You've helped me on this journey just as much, if not more. You helped me adjust to royal life, you were there to answer all my questions and show me around and teach me all there was to know about the world. You helped me over the last several months to stop believing in the lies Gothel told me all my life.

"You didn't have to do any of that. You weren't even required to join me in following the Black Rocks, but you did. I am so grateful to have you here, and I don't think I've properly told you how much it means to have you with me. How much it means to me that you're in my life. You always have my back and I always want to have yours.

"I'm really glad to hear you say that, Raps," Cassandra turned, offering the princess a smile. "I was starting to think-"

No. No. This was all wrong. Cassandra was not a feelings person. Actually, she did have a lot of feelings, but those feelings stayed locked up inside and never saw the light of day. Especially not her feelings for the long lost princess of Corona, Rapunzel. She had a job to do, a duty to her kingdom and her country. She came on this journey to protect the princess, because protecting her meant protecting Corona's future. She was a soldier on a mission, nothing more. She just had to keep telling herself that until she believed it.

"Starting to think what?" Rapunzel prodded.

Cassandra recalled the mess she'd made the last time she'd told Rapunzel to forget about something. The super recent last time that was currently the topic of their conversation. She knew all too well Raps wasn't one to let things go. If she didn't talk now, it'd be non-stop nagging until she did. And Cassandra certainly didn't want another accident happening on account of her hiding things from the princess. Also, she couldn't say no to Raps' inquisitive puppy-dog eyes.

"I was starting to think you only see me as a servant."

"What? Cass, that's not true! Is this- Did Eugene say something? I know you two argue but if he told you that, that's crossing a line!"

Cassandra hesitated. Rapunzel had made her stance clear about a certain guide who had helped them through the Forest of No Return and the Great Tree. Their friendship, if there was anything left of it, was already on rocky ground after this latest incident. Speaking ill of someone Raps trusted could cause more irreparable damage. But what did she have to lose?

"Adira said something. At the Great Tree. And after you started listening to her and you started ignoring me, I thought maybe I'd made our friendship out to be more than it actually was. I am your lady-in-waiting. I am here to serve you and obey your commands. She just put me in my place. I tried to prove her wrong, to prove I meant something to you and that you trusted me over some stranger. But you proved me wrong instead. You trusted Adira, you put yourself at risk, you didn't let me protect you. I just wanted-" Cassandra bit her lip to keep it from quivering, pushing down the small spark of emotion that was threatening to show itself, "It doesn't matter what I want. This journey is about you and your destiny and I need to be better at listening to orders," she briefly considered getting up right then and there and going for a walk, but a hand grasping at the crook of her elbow made her pause.

"I know you don't like Adira, and she's not very fond of you either. But out here, we need all the help we can get, and as few enemies as possible," Rapunzel trailed her hand down to grab Cassandra's tightly, "Cass, all the decisions I've made out here have been hard. All of your lives are in MY hands. You are all out here, because of ME. Away from your homes and your families, and there's a chance none of us make it back. If anything happens to you, any of you, but especially you, I am responsible. I decided to take this crazy journey and I didn't ask anyone else to come with me, but you did. I don't know how I would have made it this far without you, but it's still terrifying to think that at any moment, something bad could happen. That's why I used the decay spell. Everyone was in danger and I was panicking and I did what I thought was the right thing to do. We are so close to reaching the Dark Kingdom, and I can't let anything happen to anyone. Even if something happens to me, as long as you all make it home safe, that's all that matters."

She was crying now, ever unabashed at wearing her heart on her sleeve. One hand scrubbed furiously at her eyes while the other squeezed Cass' hand ever tighter. Cassandra glanced back at the camp to make sure no one else had woken up, then pulled Rapunzel in close to her chest. Her friend- her princess- needed her now. The same way she'd needed her at the castle when she was overwhelmed with her duties as royalty or when she had nightmares.

"Raps, I know this is stressful for all of us. But we're going to get through it. We're ALL going home. I'll make sure of it," she held Rapunzel a little closer for emphasis.

"Cass," Rapunzel sniffled, once she had calmed herself enough to talk again, "I need you to know how much you mean to me. I need you to know if you found me before Eugene did, I would have fallen in love with you first. I need you to know I'm in love with you now. It just took a little push for me to realize it. You mean so much more to me than I could possibly say with words, and you know I can say a lot of words. You always have. I'm just stupid."

"You're not stupid!" It baffled Cassandra how such a glamourous ray of sunshine could get such a dark cloud over her head. "I'm stupid! I'm the one who cast the forgetting spell and started all this in the first place. I'm the one who fell in love with you. I go above and beyond my duties to you, not because I'm your servant, but because I want to share as many moments as I can with you. Someday, you'll marry Eugene, because you love him, and there won't be room for me in your life anymore."

"Cass, that's not-"

"I want you to be happy. I really do. But watching the two of you have the life I wish could have with you, would be torture. Love is torture, Raps. It's this parasitic thing that worms its way into your brain and then it consumes your heart and makes all your thoughts and hopes and dreams revolve around one person. Even if they're a person you can never have. Stupid, right?"

"No! Not stupid!" Rapunzel pushed away, hands splayed against Cassandra's armor. "Cass, your feelings matter-"

"You just think they matter because of the spell," Cassandra pulled Rapunzel's hands away from her chest and nested them in her friend's lap before letting them go. "You're. In love. With Eugene. Coming between you two wouldn't be right of me."

Rapunzel scooted across the rock, putting distance between them. "What if you're not the one that comes between Eugene and me? What if I'm the one?"

"Raps, what are you saying?"

"Everybody says he loves me, and I think he does care about me. Sometimes I just wonder if he mostly loves the idea of me. If he loves the idea of becoming a prince and someday the king and never having to worry about food or shelter again. He had a hard life. Then he rescued me, and now he has the undying gratitude of all of Corona. And he deserves all of that! But he can have most of it without being married to me.

"Eugene has his own life, his own friends. He had a life before he met me and he still lives it. Which is, not to say you didn't or don't have a life, you're just… always there, with me. You're always the one that offers to come with me when I want to explore or look for supplies or if we get trapped somewhere. You're always willing to risk your life for me. Eugene has been so indispensable on our journey, and I know he'd do the same if I asked, but with you, I don't ever have to ask.

"And that's… he loves me in his own way and that's okay. It doesn't mean he loves me any less because he lets me have my independence and take care of myself. But sometimes, he gives me a little too much freedom. Sometimes it feels like we're so distant, we're drifting apart."

"So you've fallen out of love a little," Cassandra had managed to beat back any affection she had been feeling, and was now focused on helping Rapunzel with an apparent relationship problem. "You just need to reignite the spark. I'm sure this journey has been difficult for you two without having any privacy. But when you get home, everything can go back to normal."

"That's just it. What if I don't want the spark to reignite? What if I want to start a new spark?"

"Rapsl, that's crazy. You and Eugene-"

"Cass, I am not crazy. I've been reflecting a lot on what has happened in my life. Where I've been. Where I'm going. Who I'm taking with me. Not just to the Dark Kingdom, but to my future. My future where I'm queen and I'm responsible for all of Corona and I have someone by my side ruling with me. Who that could be.

"I thought you always wanted to be close by because we're friends and we care about each other. Of course we care about each other. But I started to wonder if things had turned out differently, with the tower and everything, if maybe I would care about you… more. In the way I cared- care- about Eugene.

"Part of me feels like maybe I just got caught up in everything. Having my freedom, meeting another person, discovering the world. Maybe I rushed into things. I keep telling Eugene I'm not ready to marry him, and I tell myself I will be someday. But in all honesty, I can never see myself being ready. I like what I have with Eugene, but maybe I'd like it more if the things I share with him were shared with someone else instead.

"Another part of me feels like I owe him. He rescued me, he saved me, and he reunited me with my family. I should be- I am- grateful for that. I make him happy, and he makes me happy, but I'm worried the ways we make each other happy are no longer the same. I don't want to hurt him after everything he's done for me, for my family, for Corona. I don't know what to do, Cass. I don't think it's as simple as falling out of love temporarily. What if I'm falling out of love with him forever?"

"This is really bothering you, huh?"

Rapunzel nodded, fresh liquid gathering at the corners of her eyes.

Cassandra sighed heavily. She really hadn't expected to be playing comforter or therapist or whatever this was. But here she was, and here Rapunzel was, and here they both were. Spilling their guts out into the night air. Moreso Raps than herself. So maybe it was time to divulge a long-kept secret.

"I have to be honest, I can't say I haven't thought about it. How things could have been if I'd gotten to you first. I've thought about it for a long time, actually. Way before I accidentally cast a spell on you, and way before we even started this journey. I've thought about what it would have been like if I had found you instead of Eugene. I got a glimpse of that, and it was so nice to be so close to you. You were so vulnerable and I wanted nothing more than to protect you. Sometimes it feels like you don't need me at all. But if I'd been there, in the beginning, maybe you'd always feel like you needed me. The way you feel like you need Eugene. And I could always be by your side, protecting you."

"That does sound nice."

The moonlight made it hard to tell, but Cassandra could swear she saw Rapunzel blushing. Time to backpedal. "Yeah, well, we all think about things that will never be reality, Raps. It's not a big deal," she shrugged.

"Cass, your hopes and dreams are a big deal to me! Especially if they involve me. I think about you all the time, but I guess I've been so wrapped up in getting to know my mom and dad and the coronation and figuring out this whole princess thing that I've never considered you might see me as more than a friend. Or that I might feel the same way. Everything is so complicated and overwhelming and on the days when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind, just having you there helps me take a step back and breath. It's like everything feels like it's going to be okay, as long as you're there.

"Eugene is adventurous and I like adventure, but I can't always predict what he's going to do. He proposed to me in front of my parents, and you, and all of the royals in town for the coronation. Maybe he thought I would be ready, and I'm sure a lot of other girls would have enjoyed such a public proposal, but that's not me. And even though it's only been a few months, he almost proposed again during our travels. Maybe he thought I'd say yes if it wasn't in front of as many people. Maybe he's ready to get married and I'm not. He is older and he's had time to get his fill of the world, while my life is just beginning. He's ready to settle down. He is content to lounge in the castle most of the time while I'd rather be out beyond the walls of Corona. I want him to be able to have that relaxed, worry free life. I want him to be happy."

"You deserve to be happy too, Raps. I know you love Eugene and I want you to be happy. I wouldn't wish to take that happiness away from you. No matter what I want, this is your life. And I can't change- I mean, there are a lot of mythical artifacts in the world and I'm sure if I really wanted to I could change who found you first but- that wouldn't be right. Everything played out like it did for a reason. You're happy with Eugene, and taking that away because of my own selfish feelings… Even if you would never know, I would. I'd know what I stole from you. You love him, and he loves you, and I am learning to be okay with that. I don't like him, but I lov- like you. At the end of the day, I just want what's best for you. Even if I'm not what's best for you."

"But you are what's best for me, Cass. I care for you, just as much as I do for Eugene. Maybe more. And that's what I'm worried about. I'm- I'm not worried about caring for you, I'm worried about not caring for Eugene… anymore."

"Oh," Rapunzel's resistance was finally starting to settle in, "You're really serious about this. You're like, sure, sure?"

Rapunzel grasped the fabric of her dress in her hands, playing with it nervously. "I know this all feels like it's happening because of the spell, but it's not. I'm not sure, but I'm almost sure, but I-"

"Don't want to compromise the mission."

"Right," Rapunzel exhaled slowly, like a weight had been lifted off of her chest and she was finally able to breath again.

"I know he can be immature at times. But, he's old enough that he should be able to respect the decisions you make about your life. You said it yourself, he has his own life to live. At least talk with him. You leaving him is like a fantasy come true for me, but that doesn't mean I want there to be any bad blood between him or any of your friends. And I don't want you to make the wrong decision because you're feeling pressured. This is about your life, and your happiness. No one else's."

"But deciding to maybe, possibly, break- not be together anymore, affects him too."

"Staying together is clearly affecting you."

"I know, I know. But I had to be honest with you about what I'm feeling. I've always been able to confide in you and trust you. I want to keep doing that forever. Ha, I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record I just… I want you to know that what I feel for you is real. And I'm glad you opened up about your feelings, too. I know that's difficult for you, and I know it means you trust me more than I could ever comprehend. Please don't say anything to Eugene. I'm still trying to work things out and process them. But more importantly, I don't want to mess anything up before we reach the Dark Kingdom."

"You know this mission is my top priority. I'm not about to do anything to compromise it."

"Thank you. I knew I could trust you."

Rapunzel looked towards the camp and yawned, sleep calling her back to her bed. Traveling was draining enough, and now on top of it she was dealing with emotional exhaustion. The fate of Corona rested on her shoulders, but the burden was easier to bear knowing she wasn't alone. She moved to stand, but just before she did, she leaned over to plant a tender kiss against Cassandra's cheek.

"Thank you for listening."

Cassandra's hand brushed her face where her friend's lips had just been. She smiled sheepishly, ducking her head to try to hide her blush. There were few things in life that could get her flustered, and affection from Rapunzel topped the list.

"Any time, Raps. I could listen to you all day."

The golden-haired princess smiled and nodded, tucking back a stray hair behind her ear. She rocked on the balls of her feet, heart still heavy with words left unsaid, but body too tired to allow her to express them tonight. "Well, goodnight," she lingered a moment longer, taking in the vision of the other woman under the light of the night sky.

"Night, Raps."

It wasn't long before Cassandra found herself alone again. She let out a heavy sigh, almost like she'd been holding her breath the whole time. She was still trying to convince herself that the entire conversation she'd just had wasn't some kind of dream. Rapunzel- Rapunzel- was in love with her! Rapunzel wanted her. Rapunzel chose her! Sure, there were probably more ideal times for her to reveal such information, but at least she wasn't like Cassandra and was able to openly discuss her feelings.

She touched the space on her cheek again where Rapunzel had made contact. Yep, this felt real. No dreams, no weird spells, no wild imaginings. Raps had really beat her to the punch with her confession. Not that Cassandra had ever had any intention of revealing her feelings about the princess. But with her friend so unsure and confused, it felt unfair for her to be the only one sharing.

Well, I certainly won't have trouble keeping watch tonight, Cass thought. Her mind and her heart were both racing, head filled with visions of a potential future with Rapunzel. Those thoughts came often, especially on these lonely watches, but tonight, they were more vivid than ever. There was still no guarantee things would work out, and Cassandra knew better than to get her hopes up. Still, she couldn't stop herself from thinking,

Wow. Dreams do come true.

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[wrestlingisfake]

G1 Climax preview

This is New Japan’s annual heavyweight tournament--it’s the biggest tour of the year, and the final night is one of the top five individual shows.  This year’s G1 already kicked off last week in Dallas, but now things kick into gear with eighteen dates over the next month, all back in Japan.  Each night of the tournament will be live and on-demand on njpwworld.com, but there will also be extensive tape-delay coverage each Saturday on AXS TV.

The G1 Climax is a round-robin tournament consisting of two blocks of ten men.  Each man wrestles everyone else in his block for points; whoever finishes with the most points wins the block.  The A Block winner then meets the B Block winner on August 12 to determine the winner of the tournament.  The G1 winner gets a neat trophy and a briefcase containing a contract for an IWGP heavyweight championship match at Wrestle Kingdom in the Tokyo Dome.

Ordinarily I’d try to highlight some key matches that warrant special attention, but this year the field is stacked with so many fresh matchups that I can’t narrow it down to a manageable list.  Let’s just take a look at the participants.

A Block

Bad Luck Fale - He’s mainly here so some of the matches have a different style, but his kayfabe qualifications for the tournament are harder to justify, given that legends like Minoru Suzuki and Satoshi Kojima didn’t make the cut.  I’m curious if that will become a factor in his booking this year.  He should make an interesting opponent for Kenta, Sabre, and Archer.

EVIL - He’s popular and delivers solid matches, but Evil is mostly here to play spoiler, scoring key wins over top guys to set up future programs, without actually being a contender to win the whole block.  I could easily see him causing trouble for Tanahashi, Okada, or Ibushi.

Hiroshi Tanahashi - Tana won the G1 last year for the whole “he’s still got it” push, and frankly that’s reason enough not to do it again this year.  I don’t think they’ll just have him totally collapse, but the day will come when that’s on the table.  I don’t believe he’s had many matches with Ibushi or Ospreay, so those should be a big deal.  He still needs to get some payback on Zack Sabre, Jr. from the Madison Square Garden show.

Kazuchika Okada - The current IWGP champion.  If you were gong to book a reigning champ to win this, the tournament to determine a #1 contender, it would be a guy like Okada.  The title’s not on the line on this tour, but the two or three guys who manage to beat him will be locked in for future title shots down the line.  I’m thinking Sabre, Ospreay, and Kenta could end up in those positions.

KENTA - A newcomer to the G1 and practically a newcomer to New Japan altogether.  I’ve heard he was great in Pro Wrestling NOAH, but his NXT/WWE run was rough and people have been wondering if he’s still got it.  His matches with Tanahashi and Okada should be automatic dream matches.  I think the Ospreay match will end up being a big-ass deal too.

Kota Ibushi - The big question about him had been his neck, after a scary bump on June 9.  But then on July 6, in his G1 match with Kenta, he apparently messed up his ankle.  It’s conceivable that he could be forced to pull out of at least some tournament matches, which could throw off the booking.  On the other hand, Ibushi seems to have inhuman resiliency and an insane mentality about working through injuries.  I’ve seen him work with most of these guys, so at this point I think the most novel matchups will be against Archer, Fale, and Ospreay.

Lance Archer - He hasn’t been in the tournament for years, in part because he’s been a tag team guy.  Now that Davey Boy Smith, Jr., is out of the company, he’s getting a pretty huge opportunity to make an impression as a single.  I really want to see what he can do with Sabre, Okada, and Kenta.

SANADA - He’s a great wrestler but in some ways he’s bland, to the point that the opening night show billed him as “loving this summer more than anyone,” for lack of anything more interesting to say.  Obviously Sanada vs. Evil will be big because they’re tag partners, but I think I’m more interested in seeing him tangle with Ospreay, Kenta, and Archer.

Will Ospreay - He’s already won Best of Super Jr., the junior heavyweight equivalent to this tournament, and comes into this field as the IWGP junior champion.  Does that mean he’s got momentum or that he’s physically exhausted.  We’ll see.  Since he rarely works one-on-one with heavyweights, most of his matchups will be rare attractions.  I particularly want to see him against Evil, Sabre, and Kenta.

Zack Sabre, Jr. - I normally can’t get into his matches but he really got my attention with his chain wrestling against Sanada in Dallas.  I really, really want to see him pull that shit on Archer--his stablemate in Suzuki-gun--and see what happens.

B Block

Hirooki Goto - Now that Yoshi-Hashi’s not in the G1, Goto gets to be the midcarder that you’d like to see get some traction, but he just kind of wastes space.  I don’t expect much from him, but they’re really playing up that he’s been training with Katsuyori Shibata in Los Angeles, so maybe he’ll get to step up.  He’s got a feud going with Jay White, and some unfinished business with Jeff Cobb and Taichi.

Jay White - Pretty much the top heel in this tournament.  I don’t expect White to win the G1 but he should give the B Block winner a run for his money.  I need to see him work with fellow dirtbag Taichi, fellow asshole Naito, and fellow knife pervert Moxley.

Jeff Cobb - An absolute unit.  He was in a tag match against Ishii in Dallas and you could feel the people yearning to see those hosses throw down.  Cobb can probably have good, fresh matches with anybody here, but I’m oddly curious how he’ll mesh with Takagi.  Of course, Taichi beat him a couple of months ago and he never got to settle that score...

Jon Moxley - The IWGP United States champion, and a former WWE world champion.  Moxley will probably attract more new viewers to this tour than any G1 in years.  I don’t expect him to win, but I’m looking forward to seeing him try to murder everyone in B Block.  Mox vs. Naito and Mox vs. Ishii should be epic.  Mox vs. Yano will be weird as hell, and I am here for it.

Juice Robinson - He’s been reeling from losing the US title in Moxley’s debut last month.  Last year Juice’s G1 was derailed by a hand injury, so he really needs a good showing to make up for that and prove he belongs in this field.  I want to see him try to make a name for himself against Moxley, White, and Naito.

Shingo Takagi - Shingo is such a large, dominating junior heavyweight that they finally just put him in a heavyweight tournament to see what happens.  I gotta see this dude take on Ishii.  He’s stablemates with Naito, so that’ll be a big one, too.  Really, everything Shingo does should be killer.

Taichi - He kinda sucks.  But, to be fair, he’s had a good series of matches with Ishii revolving around Ishii daring him to lay off the stalling tactics and cheap heel shit.  And it’ll be fun to pit his cheating againt Yano’s.  I’d like to see Moxley or White straight up murder him but I don’t think either match will be one-sided enough for me.

Tetsuya Naito - The IWGP intercontinental champion wants to hold that title and the IWGP heavyweight championship simultaneously.  He probably needs to win the G1 to make that happen, and that’s not a lock.  Naito vs. White is probably the biggest match in this block in terms of the New Japan pecking order, but Naito vs. Moxley is the real superstar attraction.  Naito vs. Ishii has historically been really good.

Tomohiro Ishii - The NEVER openweight champion looks like a fireplug and is about half as nice.  I want to see him clobber lots of dudes, but Shingo strikes me as the one most likely to clobber back.  Ishii and Yano are stablemates and frequent tag partners, and I can’t remember the last time they squared off.

Toru Yano - He’s the only one of the NEVER trios champions to qualify for the tournament.  Yano’s matches are always joke comedy stuff with ridiculous cheating shenangians, but they’re consistently fun.  Lots of guys in B Block take themselves way too seriously--notably White, Ishii, Taichi, Shingo, Moxley, and Goto--so he’s got his work cut out for him.

In terms of predicting a final match, there aren’t a lot of variables.  The chances of an upset are even lower than in a Royal Rumble, and those are fairly predictable to start with.  I would love to say Moxley or Kenta or Ospreay or Robinson have a shot at shocking the world, but that’s just not the way New Japan books things.

New Japan’s Big Five right now are Okada, Tana, Naito, Ibushi, and White, and it’s a lock that three of them will be in the top two matches at Wrestle Kingdom.  Tanahashi is probably going to face Chris Jericho, and Okada will likely still be champion by then.  So the likeliest scenarios for the G1 final are Ibushi vs. Naito or Ibushi vs. White.  It feels like Ibushi is more “due” but his injury situation could change everything in a heartbeat.  That uncertainty makes me think Naito could benefit as a fallback position.  So I can’t make up my mind between Ibushi and Naito, and I suspect the bookers will rely on that to build suspense heading into the finals.

[fairycosmos]

hfjks i'm turning 17 in march and start my last year of high school on monday and i'm just. absolutely scared shitless. like, i'm filled w this overwhelming feeling of 'i wasn't meant to make it this far' or i thought that if i did, things would be better! but they're not! everything's worse and it's 1am on sunday and i'm having a fucking panic attack i hate the way my life is turning out i'm sorry for ranting i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

dude, it’s okay. seriously it’s going to be okay. dont apologize, there’s nothing to be sorry for ! take a breath. i know you’re only two years younger than me but you are Young, and you literally have so much fuckin time. you’re still in school. that’s the only thing you need to worry about. it doesn’t seem that way, i know, but it’s true. of course, it’s a little scary to start your last year, and it’s totally natural to feel that way. the progression of time puts things in perspective, and sometimes it’s uncomfortable to face up to it. but it’s a discomfort you get used to. and it definitely won’t always be this intense. process the fear. dont try to push it away. allow it to wash over you. just cope in the healthiest way that you’re able to, in this moment. that’s all you need to do. you cant choose whether or not you’re anxious/depressed, but you can choose how you physically deal with those experiences, right? you’re not trapped. you have options even if yr mind is preventing you from realizing that. try talking to people you trust, or using self affirmations, or focusing on a hobby instead of fixating on this one temporary feeling of anxiety - any safe tactic is good enough. the fact is this: you’re going to adapt and evolve over the next year - when the future actually happens, you’ll be ready for it, because you’ll have grown and learned a lot by then. you’ll almost be a different person. you’re always becoming yourself, always creating the life you were meant to have simply by experiencing it. there’s always going to be a little uncertainty, but that’s to be expected. that’s how the world works out the way it does. think about how you felt when you first started high school, right? it was weird and it fucked with your perception of reality, but you managed to build a life around it and you managed to find moments of happiness nestled within the panic of growing up. well, isn’t life just kind of like that. i cant be sure, but i genuinely believe that you’re going to be alright. you don’t hate the way your life is turning out, because your life is a constant, it’s not ‘ending up’ any sort of way. it’s just occurring, in natural highs and lows. where you’re at right now isn’t where you’ll always be. you will find your stride, your comfort zone. it’s a matter of time and letting things figure themselves out. everyone else is in the same boat, everyone you know has felt the same way at some point. and there IS support available. you can always try speaking to a counselor or your doctor, or your parents about the panic attacks if you haven’t done so already. it’s an option and it always will be. you’re not alone, so dont go about it like you are. it’s a really stressful idea, and i’m not saying you have to WANT to do it, i’m just saying - maybe consider what would be objectively best for your mental health. they’ll understand more than you think they will. i promise. and they can show you how to stop viewing the future as a looming ball of stress, so you can start seeing it as an ever changing intangibility that doesn’t even exist yet. there are ways to let the anxiety out. there’s no shame in reaching out. i dont know if this is making sense, and there’s a lot i could say but i cant focus well - just feel free to message me if you ever need someone, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’ll be here, and i get it. for now, try to be a little kind to yourself and get some rest when you can. i believe in you with all my heart. take it one day at a time for now. the present is the only thing that’s controllable. 

sync your breathing to this gif if you cant calm down: